A fire in the heart.

I'm tryin to size up the influence this past two days had on me. Goin to Myrtle Beach helped to revive a fundamental aspect of my psychosocial being: that interaction of flesh and the movement of blood and bone and muscle stimulated by lights and smiles and that hesitated baseline a gorgeous DJ flags us with in anticipation until those mystical fingers of hers bring it down into my sternum and my heels.

God bless you woman, why didn't I get ur fuckin name?!

I'm retarded in celebration, I break so many rules and give no real cause for alarm or hesitation, my guts lean in and I go with it. On top of that I'm an experience all my own and the women like it.

The only reason to earn money is to enjoy life with it. And I've been to so many places and worked at so many things I hardly understand what I'm good at anymore but I'm soooooo good at having a good time. I don't lose love anywhere, I just give and give.

That's me. If only I could spend that energy, exhaust long enough to get a chapter out or a verse or study some music or drawing or finish these frustratingly long-winded text books I might preserve my sanity but all I see is her whirling hair, her eyeliner, her challenging smile and that pulse that rocks her rib cage until it's like a living drug right in front of me flooding my senses. I think I've spoiled them these past couple days and it was totally. worth. it.

American Soul

What has the 2nd generation adopted?

I have a pressing need to unravel and reform. I simply want to show that I can. Do it. I'm lower middle class, I haven't a job. My mom either. The cable may be shut off soon and the phone and the internet. Her cell phone is dead, I'm keeping mine alive on credit. We don't know where the rent money will come from. I'm on school loans and spend what I don't have for film production. I get a beer when I can. I splurge on $15 meals at 5 Napkin Burger because there's nothing left and I won't despair. I refuse to believe its ending, I can't relate to death or the corruption of my existence by poverty. I can't believe that somehow living has become forfeit to me because of the station I was born in. That my education thus far, some 90+ credits, and all the inspirations: Nathanael West, Oscar Wilde, Val Lewton, Dickens, too many more, the developed sensitivity for the world, for physics, philosophy, causality, people, and their art, the dream I've inherited and the information that supports I am at liberty to pursue but can not be granted a guarantee, I cannot know, though I feel it is meant for me, if I am meant for it.

The dream is to transcend the station of my boundaries and to project my intent beyond them. The dream is to be more than my class designation and to lead others through the haze of complacency to things they believe they cannot influence, let alone control.

The road of idleness is one of the few cases where we are all clairvoyant. We know what haunts us day after day and what escapes we grasp at to forget because, as some philosopher might say, forgetting is happiness but it is not the truth. The threshold of man sparks the creative engine, it changes us to make us more than men but true creators of reality. We can redefine the language and the standards of behavior, we can change the line of scrimmage on our own ideals. We can garner momentum from the soul state itself and we can push the limits of what we accept for the self-country.

The waves ripple outward but one shouldn't be concerned that way. The American soul-state is an act of conquest in the gift of the "inalienable" consideration. The rights we've agreed to posess put a claim of greatness on the future it is our task to behold and pursue as The Function of human agency. It is this threshold that we push in the world that mirrors the threshold we push in ourselves and we can only do it by facing the unknown, the random, the chaos that is wholly perceived in a future where we decide to involve ourselves.

To abstain from involvement is to know your own death. To push out your expressions and reach people, to finess your understanding, to hold yourself accountable to reason and a display of strength and the duty of creation, this is what it means to inherit the chaos and process it through harmony of your bond with the vision. From the raw we can mold the future.

Any month I could be out of here, with my mom. It's gotten that bad and I've hurt myself in letting so much time go by in this evolution of the mind, although it may turn out that it could not have worked out any other way. But I'm scared and I'm facing into the darkness of conquest and see that there can be no other option to grant me the peace I need because . . . in the end it's not about me, but about what I'm apart of. It's about our evolution, it's about the world my grandchildren will inherit, it's about giving my mom a vacation, and it's about you. I intend to exploit every opportunity to enjoy myself, but I am learning to merge the joy and the work so that I can become unstoppable and undeniable.

The mind is not tame or certain, the Id is merciless in its desires and the spirit needs an army to tip the scales . . . an army or perhaps the right set of words, the right hint, the right idea.

I have one, it will be a house for indie film production and I will trademark the name before I present it here. Because I am good but I defend my goodness, with the evil if it must be so. The world is unsure of itself, so those of us capable of love, commitment, or obsession as a close alternative, need to stand.

The American soul state pushes the frontiers of the common man. The New York Soul state makes him ravenous. I Am.

Being the Reason

"What's it all for?"

It was roughly 8am and I had another hour before the alarm clock rang. I fed the cats because one of them was a squeaky wheel and kept scratching the door and meowing two inches from my ear when he got in and proceeded to paw my head. An hour from my alarm clock ringing and I was somehow stuck on the idea that I was being cheated from sleep, not accepting it could just be an opportunity to live in the world again where things might actually get done . . . I winded up sleeping through the actual alarm and missing class.

My 2nd class was late to begin, my professor was running behind. He pushed it back 20 minutes and for no real reason I still made it 20 minutes late. I had money issues this morning; complications and a loan disbursement paying the wrong bill and it took a little while to resolve. A book I desperately needed did not arrive on time, or so I thought. After writing something angry to Amazon I found out it arrived while I was in my latter class, along with some phone charger I didn't order that came first and got me confused. The charger works for my mom phone and she's gonna keep it.

Somewhere within all the distractions I managed to write a few lines of conversation in this short I've been hovering over for a few weeks now. There are too many contests and projects to be taking this long on a short. I have no rhythm for this yet, it's killin me.

I got a fuggin pimple today, the obvious kind that distorts your face and ruins your symmetry for a while.

I had the epiphany once that it didn't make sense to have faith cause all destinations of that emotional investment lead to voids of meaning. Do it for your family . . . na thats not it. They are getting more distant every year. Do it for love? na. No two people I know have gotten it right, the best of them are in progress of understanding what it takes. Do it for the sake of doing it? Nope. By itself it is fueled by nothing personal. Do it cause you want to do it and its worth doing? Warmer but not quite complete. Do it because you are worth pleasing . . . Well. This is almost it. There is a specific emotional disposition that accompanies this but essentially when it comes down to it there is only one kind of peace, and the truest form of it comes from living for yourself. That means not living for a need, or a habit or addiction or some other type of obligation or misinterpretation of duty, for an institution or survival or any other cause impressed upon you. It comes down to pleasing yourself in whichever way.

Now let me say that with or without law, I'm not comfortable with raping and pillaging. I don't want it done to those I care about or those who care about me. And even if I didn't have to deal with penalties like prison or revenge, I'm pretty sure doing vile things would make it hard to get along in the world. So really pleasing yourself, being the end in your own means really has to do with satisfying your own virtues, performing well to the qualities you hold in highest regard and so forth.

When I sit down to write I still deal with the great conflicts of desire for escape, or the leaps in imagination that lead me astray. I still respond when people want my attention for something and if none of these distractions are occurring it's like I'm waiting for one out of habit. Sometimes the words are forced and I wonder if I even really want to write or be creative at all. There's so little time for it when there are so many other things to do. But.

The barometer of happiness, as I was telling one friend the other day, has to be the mark of a life worth living and one with little regrets. Am I using the moment to the greatest potential of pleasing myself. I may not need to do the most I can do at that moment, maybe what makes more sense to me is to breath and accept the moment of my being. maybe I need to listen to the music in my head or take the time to really appreciate those pair of legs passing me by.

Maybe all good things will come if I can just learn to recognize them when they are there in front of me and maybe the time it takes to write a good story is exactly that.

It's like being my own reason means chucking all the stupid reasons people can develop to feel guilty about things they can't control to aggrandize the conflicts they experience in life in order to give an excuse to everyone about why they aren't harnessing their destiny in some obnoxious, clearly distinct and mostly public way. But should I really care when the only way true development can happen unheeded is when I don't clog it with so much presumptive bullshit?

What's still hard to get away from is how slippery time feels. And so I'm quite happy and still pretty guilty about not working and leaning on my mom for a while till I can rise again. Also I have no idea how to pay her back which is weighing on me some but I try to leave as little a footprint in the house as possible so she doesn't feel tasked having me back in the home. As for what I've done with the time, well I'm progressing through my summer session and quite concerned about where to begin with the fall classes. I also am still trying to find the best way to raise money for the business I've finally found a name for. I just need to trademark it.

And yes, I must begin finishing and editing my shorts . . . and submitting them! God help me get one thing out this summer! This next moment realizing I'm not quite the type to be comfortable with relying on cosmic intervention when the cosmos went through such a great hassle to invent me and everything I'm capable of inherently, I might as well say: I'm submitting something this summer.

Oh God! How? When? What? Who's writing this? and Why?
Because I'm worth it, and life has no meaning without that most fundamental understanding. I bring my light with me and that is why there will always be a way to proceed.

My Own Man

You never really know a person's habits until you live with them. Even if they are family and you've been away awhile. Half the condiments in the fridge are expired. The other half are missing expiration dates.

I'm broke. Very. Getting coffee is a question of which card the place will take and I'm down to my last available one. American Express is unpopular at that. It's one thing to be your own person in your ventures but without a foundation based in your own intent, your own mobility, your own funds to leverage, you're a wet sack.

I am thus a wet sack. All the potential I've been labeled with doesn't logically lead to limbo but I'm here anyway. The work of flight has always taken more than fancy but never quite felt like a requirement. It's been a long process but I'm aware of a change in disposition, the undercurrent of concern for how I stack as man against my ideals. If I can ever have complete pride in myself I must display the capacity for change. More than that, it must be a change that sticks and clearly indicates the power of my sovereignty towards a greater end. SEE: FILM AND WRITING.

Forgive repetitious rhetoric. It's a form of affirmation which by definition is repetitive.

The Impasse at Dualism

The lecture was rough. Freedom itself was outnumbered by Determinism, Nature, External Influence. A priori reasoning had conditional value and who could really determine what those conditions were? I struggled with objective reality and where we fit in that bleak landscape.

But after class I took a seat on a bench on campus and got emotional at this absolute recognition of the interdependence between the universal and the personal. Perceptions, beliefs, laws, causality; every moment the authority is changing hands. A thought decides and action that creates a reality based on a principle that is only proven on a gamble on intuition but reinforced by logic and aided by physics. We're in bed with God and we don't fully appreciate it. Commercially maybe but that way isn't what fulfills us when we are looking for confirmation in our lives.

The body and everything it has to interface with adds quite the complication, but I don't believe the physical should be disregarded. It's as valuable to experience the downs as it is the ups. The rules are ours to break and rebuild. We don't have to recognize terms like "bad habits" or "guilt." We don't have to be untrue once we become self aware. Playing our part is hard enough without complicating it by trying to figure out how our score adds up. It seems to me we are either inviting shame or joy into our lives and the deal is constantly being renegotiated with the forces around us. The bottom line is you and I matter, we have a say and it's a serious ingredient in the experiences we encounter and share with our neighbors.

I came home ready to play more LoL or to get my last world event achievement in WoW. I laughed at the desperation when I realized I had to transcribe whatever aspect of this inspiration I could first. It was the priority and I was able to satisfy it here and now. Under impulses like this I shouldn't have to fear the future, and maybe the truth is I shouldn't have ever feared it before, let alone the present or myself in either state.

I can do it.

Lord Henry says : "Do Everything"

Philosophy in Literature. That's one of my summer courses. In The Picture of Dorian Gray Lord Henry attempts to convince Dorian of the value of his youth. He explains that Dorian should realize his nature perfectly, put all thoughts to form, express all dreams and so on because when it's over, it's over.

Even now as I'm recalled to battle at Summoner's Rift I wonder about the mess of desires I have and if it's possible to entertain every plan of mine. It seems just as likely that I will sit idly between them all till the day I die. That's a horrible thought. I'm sure Lord Henry had the best intentions, that he believed in man and the self-correction in our species to carry out increasingly greater wills. But it's just as true that a host of our people get lost along the way to that pinnacle . . . I was going to continue on that line but it's too depressing. Rather I'll reconsider the other warning about the poison of desires not attended to, or temptations not yielded to. That the mine festers with the things we deny ourselves and we are left aggrandizing them in their darkest forms because of it. It's as if a secondary life is lived in the potential, in the subconscious and this greatly affects our behavior since the mind is interpreting information from everywhere at once. So what happens when duty and desire come into conflict? Ideally you kill 2 birds with one stone but if its the choice between the varying forms of indulgence - what Lord Henry never distinguishes from self-development but rather seems wrapped up in it - the obvious danger is the idea that all people will fall to base rather than evolved forms of inclination. At least that's my reading of it. So does that mean I've somehow come to accept the weakness over the strength of man as a truth? Am I one of these fatalists that believe man's nature is something to be located, battled and defeated?

For all the stories scattered in my head and in my library of worn notebooks that were never worked out, revised and displayed, for all the insights into organization and initiative for businesses I've been apart of but never were expressed, for all the good people have seen in me but the little I've actually applied for the revolution it might inspire, yeah my experiences have reinforced the idea that self-control is important. Maybe that's the point of accepting all aspects of the leaning motive. Maybe following natural inclination creates the experiences needed to learn lessons you wouldn't have accepted anywhere else. But at what price? Time? Decades? And then with the random finality of tomorrow looming over us all I find it jarring how easy it is to be petty. Humans do not own as a race the complete perspective of life and effort as values in themselves. These things are only useful to a cause for acquisition of some thing or another. I probably wouldn't be so stressed out about investment in my own creativity if it didn't represent such a huge course change in my existence. I've built up this drama around it that is more overwhelming than the joy of it. So now I truly wonder about the impartiality or non-existence sought after in the meditation practiced in various belief systems. Perhaps it is easier to accomplish things when they no longer serve the ego or the individual nature and it's base purposes. But how can anything truly be blessed by the highest energy of a human being if he is not partial to it, not passionate at all? What can we or should we sacrifice for the power needed to do what we truly want or intend to do?

Proven capability is a big deal to me. Beyond writing or making films I'd like to have a family one day. But I don't see the point in fathering a child I can't provide accurate guidance to. I know the future is always in question but still experience counts for a lot if it's positive; an affirmation of practice toward a universally desirable outcome. But it almost means like I have to force certain things and then nothing comes naturally and I've probably made it a crime for myself to demand moderation to the point where moderation itself is this ghastly grail of self-remonstrance: WRITE FOREVER TILL YOU DIE! DO NOT SLEEP! NOT LOVE ANYTHING ELSE! CREATE! IT IS YOUR SOUL PURPOSE! YOUR DUTY TO THE UNIVERSE! NOTHING ELSE MATTERS! IT IS THE KEY TO ITSELF AND A VALIDATION OF YOUR EXISTANCE!

Yikes. On some level I believe these things too but going with this adds an awful lot of fright to putting the video games away. It's like I'm going up on the cross. I've dug a nasty pit for myself that turned writing and the investment of this very personal time into something nasty. But I'm starting to imagine a way for it not to be. If this experience justifies the causality that comes as a result of yielding to impulses then perhaps Lord Henry was right. That makes me wonder though, especially since its such a huge topic in class right now, what freedom really is. It seems like the only thing we are free to do is trust ourselves. The rest is a roller coaster ride.

I continued a story today . . .

I wrote about a page. I still dealt with distraction and veered off. But I'm pleased to say I spent about 3 hours with the process and though it wasn't a significant amount of work, for me it was nice to know that once I got started I could achieve some momentum. The hardest part really is just starting. For now I have to be happy with the small steps. There's so much work to do. But it's enjoyable for that awe I feel in the world where make-believe becomes reality.

I've been watching Game of Thrones. The production from the opening credits to the fight coordination, wardrobe, set design and the actors and story of course, all of it is so meticulous and grand and inspiring and it all came from pages of this one vision.

It all goes somewhere, the time spent in these fantasies. And to be there you must first be here at the prime conception, the moment where all possibility exists and the roads for such possibility are as tangible as the keys struck in this blog.

I want to do that. I want to be on set for that creation where the stories of heroes are held and supported in highest regard... Belief that I'll get there has become a sort of faith. I mean it has to be similar to that faith in the ideal of heaven: do this duty now and receive reward later. But I'd be happier with achievement. How much of each moment should be committed when nothing is OK unless you are accomplishing that dream . . . these escapes of mine are the only means of forgetting this internal pressure. It's temporary but it stops the confusion for a while between my nature and bad habits and this other investment towards a grander destiny. That road has to be built from scratch and almost a disregard for experience. It's not something your parents give you or a message prescribed by commercials it's just you embracing the power of free will.

I daresay it isn't natural tho. That's gotta be the reason why this gets so hard to commit to. Obsession with dreams outside the natural law of feed, sleep, keep warm require a will beyond natural inclination and how does one accept this will to be more valid than the base one?

People do it all the time tho. Look at Game of Thrones or any other film or TV show that absolutely must be a labor of love somewhere. Or at least it would be for me. Tomorrow I will go for p. 3. May will lie well.