Thursday, June 23, 2011

My Own Man

You never really know a person's habits until you live with them. Even if they are family and you've been away awhile. Half the condiments in the fridge are expired. The other half are missing expiration dates.

I'm broke. Very. Getting coffee is a question of which card the place will take and I'm down to my last available one. American Express is unpopular at that. It's one thing to be your own person in your ventures but without a foundation based in your own intent, your own mobility, your own funds to leverage, you're a wet sack.

I am thus a wet sack. All the potential I've been labeled with doesn't logically lead to limbo but I'm here anyway. The work of flight has always taken more than fancy but never quite felt like a requirement. It's been a long process but I'm aware of a change in disposition, the undercurrent of concern for how I stack as man against my ideals. If I can ever have complete pride in myself I must display the capacity for change. More than that, it must be a change that sticks and clearly indicates the power of my sovereignty towards a greater end. SEE: FILM AND WRITING.

Forgive repetitious rhetoric. It's a form of affirmation which by definition is repetitive.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Impasse at Dualism

The lecture was rough. Freedom itself was outnumbered by Determinism, Nature, External Influence. A priori reasoning had conditional value and who could really determine what those conditions were? I struggled with objective reality and where we fit in that bleak landscape.

But after class I took a seat on a bench on campus and got emotional at this absolute recognition of the interdependence between the universal and the personal. Perceptions, beliefs, laws, causality; every moment the authority is changing hands. A thought decides and action that creates a reality based on a principle that is only proven on a gamble on intuition but reinforced by logic and aided by physics. We're in bed with God and we don't fully appreciate it. Commercially maybe but that way isn't what fulfills us when we are looking for confirmation in our lives.

The body and everything it has to interface with adds quite the complication, but I don't believe the physical should be disregarded. It's as valuable to experience the downs as it is the ups. The rules are ours to break and rebuild. We don't have to recognize terms like "bad habits" or "guilt." We don't have to be untrue once we become self aware. Playing our part is hard enough without complicating it by trying to figure out how our score adds up. It seems to me we are either inviting shame or joy into our lives and the deal is constantly being renegotiated with the forces around us. The bottom line is you and I matter, we have a say and it's a serious ingredient in the experiences we encounter and share with our neighbors.

I came home ready to play more LoL or to get my last world event achievement in WoW. I laughed at the desperation when I realized I had to transcribe whatever aspect of this inspiration I could first. It was the priority and I was able to satisfy it here and now. Under impulses like this I shouldn't have to fear the future, and maybe the truth is I shouldn't have ever feared it before, let alone the present or myself in either state.

I can do it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Lord Henry says : "Do Everything"

Philosophy in Literature. That's one of my summer courses. In The Picture of Dorian Gray Lord Henry attempts to convince Dorian of the value of his youth. He explains that Dorian should realize his nature perfectly, put all thoughts to form, express all dreams and so on because when it's over, it's over.

Even now as I'm recalled to battle at Summoner's Rift I wonder about the mess of desires I have and if it's possible to entertain every plan of mine. It seems just as likely that I will sit idly between them all till the day I die. That's a horrible thought. I'm sure Lord Henry had the best intentions, that he believed in man and the self-correction in our species to carry out increasingly greater wills. But it's just as true that a host of our people get lost along the way to that pinnacle . . . I was going to continue on that line but it's too depressing. Rather I'll reconsider the other warning about the poison of desires not attended to, or temptations not yielded to. That the mine festers with the things we deny ourselves and we are left aggrandizing them in their darkest forms because of it. It's as if a secondary life is lived in the potential, in the subconscious and this greatly affects our behavior since the mind is interpreting information from everywhere at once. So what happens when duty and desire come into conflict? Ideally you kill 2 birds with one stone but if its the choice between the varying forms of indulgence - what Lord Henry never distinguishes from self-development but rather seems wrapped up in it - the obvious danger is the idea that all people will fall to base rather than evolved forms of inclination. At least that's my reading of it. So does that mean I've somehow come to accept the weakness over the strength of man as a truth? Am I one of these fatalists that believe man's nature is something to be located, battled and defeated?

For all the stories scattered in my head and in my library of worn notebooks that were never worked out, revised and displayed, for all the insights into organization and initiative for businesses I've been apart of but never were expressed, for all the good people have seen in me but the little I've actually applied for the revolution it might inspire, yeah my experiences have reinforced the idea that self-control is important. Maybe that's the point of accepting all aspects of the leaning motive. Maybe following natural inclination creates the experiences needed to learn lessons you wouldn't have accepted anywhere else. But at what price? Time? Decades? And then with the random finality of tomorrow looming over us all I find it jarring how easy it is to be petty. Humans do not own as a race the complete perspective of life and effort as values in themselves. These things are only useful to a cause for acquisition of some thing or another. I probably wouldn't be so stressed out about investment in my own creativity if it didn't represent such a huge course change in my existence. I've built up this drama around it that is more overwhelming than the joy of it. So now I truly wonder about the impartiality or non-existence sought after in the meditation practiced in various belief systems. Perhaps it is easier to accomplish things when they no longer serve the ego or the individual nature and it's base purposes. But how can anything truly be blessed by the highest energy of a human being if he is not partial to it, not passionate at all? What can we or should we sacrifice for the power needed to do what we truly want or intend to do?

Proven capability is a big deal to me. Beyond writing or making films I'd like to have a family one day. But I don't see the point in fathering a child I can't provide accurate guidance to. I know the future is always in question but still experience counts for a lot if it's positive; an affirmation of practice toward a universally desirable outcome. But it almost means like I have to force certain things and then nothing comes naturally and I've probably made it a crime for myself to demand moderation to the point where moderation itself is this ghastly grail of self-remonstrance: WRITE FOREVER TILL YOU DIE! DO NOT SLEEP! NOT LOVE ANYTHING ELSE! CREATE! IT IS YOUR SOUL PURPOSE! YOUR DUTY TO THE UNIVERSE! NOTHING ELSE MATTERS! IT IS THE KEY TO ITSELF AND A VALIDATION OF YOUR EXISTANCE!

Yikes. On some level I believe these things too but going with this adds an awful lot of fright to putting the video games away. It's like I'm going up on the cross. I've dug a nasty pit for myself that turned writing and the investment of this very personal time into something nasty. But I'm starting to imagine a way for it not to be. If this experience justifies the causality that comes as a result of yielding to impulses then perhaps Lord Henry was right. That makes me wonder though, especially since its such a huge topic in class right now, what freedom really is. It seems like the only thing we are free to do is trust ourselves. The rest is a roller coaster ride.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I continued a story today . . .

I wrote about a page. I still dealt with distraction and veered off. But I'm pleased to say I spent about 3 hours with the process and though it wasn't a significant amount of work, for me it was nice to know that once I got started I could achieve some momentum. The hardest part really is just starting. For now I have to be happy with the small steps. There's so much work to do. But it's enjoyable for that awe I feel in the world where make-believe becomes reality.

I've been watching Game of Thrones. The production from the opening credits to the fight coordination, wardrobe, set design and the actors and story of course, all of it is so meticulous and grand and inspiring and it all came from pages of this one vision.

It all goes somewhere, the time spent in these fantasies. And to be there you must first be here at the prime conception, the moment where all possibility exists and the roads for such possibility are as tangible as the keys struck in this blog.

I want to do that. I want to be on set for that creation where the stories of heroes are held and supported in highest regard... Belief that I'll get there has become a sort of faith. I mean it has to be similar to that faith in the ideal of heaven: do this duty now and receive reward later. But I'd be happier with achievement. How much of each moment should be committed when nothing is OK unless you are accomplishing that dream . . . these escapes of mine are the only means of forgetting this internal pressure. It's temporary but it stops the confusion for a while between my nature and bad habits and this other investment towards a grander destiny. That road has to be built from scratch and almost a disregard for experience. It's not something your parents give you or a message prescribed by commercials it's just you embracing the power of free will.

I daresay it isn't natural tho. That's gotta be the reason why this gets so hard to commit to. Obsession with dreams outside the natural law of feed, sleep, keep warm require a will beyond natural inclination and how does one accept this will to be more valid than the base one?

People do it all the time tho. Look at Game of Thrones or any other film or TV show that absolutely must be a labor of love somewhere. Or at least it would be for me. Tomorrow I will go for p. 3. May will lie well.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Morality, Truth, and Freedom

and Nature apparently!

To do what is right is an acquired taste. Happiness is weird that way - you can be happy at anything you choose to be happy with (practically this may require a nervous breakdown). But there's only one form of right and our definition of it is evolving every generation.

For myself, the duty is here in creation. But being a pure consumer is its own joy. Taking life as it comes, rather than planning it and shaping it, is quite a luxury. It means I can depend on other leaders to pave the way. But I couldn't call myself free then. I'd be a slave to survival, to obligations, to institutions, to the nature of beasts and possibly to guilt and regret.

What one does from the moment he wakes up is naturally leaning toward the inclinations of habit. Breaking that cycle, when the false attempt is actually part of the cycle is something like purgatory. Give me another season of world of warcraft and I'll give you another year of idle banter about possibilities.

It sucks but I'm holding onto this awareness like a life preserver in a storm. I'm nowhere near driving the ship yet. It's more because I don't recognize that I know where to go, I might by the time I get there but right now there are so many initiatives I need to manage that I can't help feeling like I'm full of it: be a writer, be a film maker, write shorts and scripts and shot lists and story-boards and poetry and learn to perform it and learn to sing and learn the piano and learn to draw and read lots more and exercise and be a socialite and learn about theatre and listen to more music and start my own business and entertain thousands and make lots of money and live everywhere and start out with a mustang until I can get that bentley and live like a shaman until I can bring the new prophecy and start an underground special forces team of super-hippies like "men who stare at goats" and buy an island and have and support dozens of children all over the world like zeus and teach them all to command their destinies and get them a nasty kung fu master to train them and I can die quietly after eating heavy portions of spanish food with my family safe and happy and a brazilian dream in the shower and knowledge of all the world's warmth in my heart . . .

: )

I'm convinced half of that can't happen without being attributed to some causality inherited from the moments I control every now that passes. Today I started writing plot summaries on what I hope to be a decent horrific supernatural short story. I could have pushed it and wrote the actual story up to where I knew it was going but instead I played like 6 games of league of legends. I also did critique a script and a short film for some colleagues but there's nothing quite like getting your own work done. It's a scary thing to realize you are an adult before you were ready to entertain that duty and come to find that you have yet to prove that your decisions for yourself are absolute. Maybe its much to think that most functioning adults are fine with discipline and commitment and I'm the odd one out, but I generally feel this way and making the change is rough business because to me being an adult means trying to change the world for the better every moment your a given to try. It means the pressure is on, you're on stage and held accountable for the fate of your corner of the universe and your actions ripple out consequences to the lives around you and there is no doubt as to the mischief chaos will command if you remain idle. And this sucks, cause ignorance is the most favorable kind of evil - in it the slavery is disguised as complacency and the world continues on in its erratic way cause you/I didn't play the part meant to be played.

That's what being adult means to me . . . being free, choosing right, and not bending to the convenience of lies or the shadow of innocence long gone. It means waking up for a purpose and performing it till you've got nothing left and boy what a bar I've set for myself . . .

Sleepy time.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

On Fear and Heat and Me

I am 27 now. I believe I'm very scared. The dream has always been to write and be good at it. Indeed the idea is to journey inward for a living. But along this path I have come across some insidious obstacles. One is the forced slumber that accompanies any contemplation on the matter of this discipline. Even now I am battling to stay awake. I shake my head like a mad man. I breathe hard to keep going. But at the center of my forehead I feel an amazing weight that droops onto my eyelids and makes my arms sag and my eyes roll back. The obstacle isn't circumstantial. It's something on the inside and it is most terrible in its persuasion. After another long stretch I've returned to battle it again.


I started that around 8pm. It's now 2am. I had to lay down.

I don't know what it is. I can spend 12 hours straight in front of a TV catching up on a good show or playing a video game straight through to completion. But this one practice; an effort of my love of life, of humanity, and the future, the golden ticket not to prosperity but at least happiness - my real soul investment in this world - and I fall asleep!

But at least temporarily I'm awake. The heat of the summer has woken me up in a sweat. I'm angry. I want more than nothing to turn the tables and mount an incredible response to save my own life.

Things happen. I'm living with my mom again. I'll be turning 28 in a little over a month. It's tough on the ego to have to start over but in contrast to the man I was becoming, I suppose it was necessary. I was believing that unhappiness was a mark of duty and that doing your duty could be your greatest sign of valor, of consideration and integrity and respect for life and circumstances and the random. However the alternative consideration is that it's perhaps all true but that the duty must be to oneself, not to the image afforded by others of uncontrollable intent.

I loathe to do harm. I only want to protect, preserve, and uplift. However that desire has made my heart and mind shrivel and it is a sad irony to value strength but never attain it in your justification for sacrifice.

By no means am I a saint. I should probably clarify that. And talking in generalities wouldn't help the average reader understand. I'm not yet ready to be frank except on this issue: I am supposed to write and write a lot at that. I haven't been doing that. It has presented a painful surface to break through each time, like skin healed over a wound improperly that must be torn and redressed to stop an infection (if that even happens).

The process of willpower is thought - choice - attempt. It's this muscle I need to grow and I can't afford to have some weird chemical process get in the way. I am seeking now the industry within me. I am an American. There is a lot of wrong to right here, there are a lot of advantages I have ignored, there is a legacy that is my responsibility to construct and time . . . I guess time is only an aid in its coldness; its unrelenting hunt. Perhaps that is the nature of discipline, to match the discipline of time's passing, to keep us alert to our mortality and to make the brave leaps that much more heroic.