Senselessness

A couple of days a go I began a journal on production experience and related internships. At the moment I've recorded my experience working on the one indie set and thought about providing a prologue to my internship which starts later today and will be active 2-3 days per week, giving me some key experience into sales and distribution. I'm happy to be doing something but that sense of momentum and accomplishments seems only to journey with a page count of written words. More often than not I can't enjoy anything unless that effort has been manifested and I probably hesitate from updating this blog to save myself the guilt of admitting I haven't made much headway.

But holding oneself accountable means having to face these truths doesn't it. It shouldn't mean the end. Just a series of hurtful reality checks that prove the perception is not the reality and there is still a lot of work to be done. It's easier living honest, even if that honesty means anticipating another month without much to show for it, I can attempt to challenge that future with every moment I enter. It's just tough living it from the inside. And so I'm putting these things on paper so I can see it from the outside, so I can have perspective and maybe its not so senseless to write honestly about the marginal moves. Every little bit counts. Were I to have no sense of direction, knowing at least that would be a start.

Could it be?

No dice on the affirmation. I haven't even written them yet. I stay up late and wake up late. Now that I'm up I think I'll do that, write them I mean.

Other news: NASM cert and study material are $600. Technician's bundle with Testout is $1000. I can probably make some side money writing shorts and (if I ever get out there) bar-tending. So I have some, I think, reachable goals.

I'd like to take a minute to reflect on my PA work this past Saturday. It's the 2nd experience I've had working for a story . . .

I don't know enough about this feeling to explain it. I didn't do all that much. We were out there all day from 7am to about 8:30pm. I helped move things, I held a light reflector, secured a dolly from the building and kept people at bay during camera roll. I ate with the actors and bugged sound and makeup a little. I got to watch shots on a monitor as the actors worked. I brought up fruit and water. I also brought shoes and my feet hurt but we were on the roof and I caught a view that was wonderful.

I was being fulfilled and I wasn't even directing.

People can make the most or the least of experiences but some of us are attuned to things and we don't really appreciate what that means because life is a lot about compromise. I didn't get payed and I can't always go this route. But while I can, I will. I won't comrpomise, not even for extra cash. I know where I belong, and it's creating something and sharing it.

But I want to withhold this opportunity and it's up to me to protect it. I need to make money in order to get those two certs so I can begin building small side business that keep me flexible. And before using up money and leaving myself without anything I need a savings, and before I get a savings going I have one last immediate debt to payoff to some family. While doing this I need to stay writing and working out. I suppose I have my goals in place. It's nice to not be working and have something to do.

Book ends.

The evenings are just as important, if not more important than the mornings that follow. Sleep is a major benefit but mindset is the key to setting a charge to your behavior throughout the day.

I woke up at 2pm today because I was stuck on a challenge map in this new game I have, and I really really really wanted to get the 3rd medal...

I'm getting more and more notices from Writer's Market about fiction competitions and I'm constantly brought back to some earlier inclinations for spoken word poetry. The work will be hard and I am considering canceling my raids this week (primarily cause I may have lost my main healer). It's time to start putting my foot down . . . on myself.

I have a theory that affirmations before sleep and when waking up might be able to help me stay mentally situated in the go-getter mentality. It's just another example of replacing old habits or actions with new ones, this way there are no vacuums.