Monday, August 31, 2009

What villainy will sponser...

I am lazy, easy to find comfort in routine, sleepy while writing, prone to take breaks to let myself be pulled away by people who have no idea what they're interrupting, unaware and partly doubtful of my full potential, extremely aware of time passing, analytical to a fault (impending action is analyzed), self-conciliatory, confident of how hard things can be, an isolationist, stubborn, regretful, guilty, comforted by the consistent warmth of lodging/provision of food/and general, but not actual, availability of family and friends.

I am not where I want to be in life because I am currently not the person that would deserve, survive, or make the best of, that position.

Who would?

I am stubbornly resolute, momentarily reactive, the vortex of my desires (spinning all relevant resources toward my epicenter for consumption), a subject of proven capability and flexibility, professional, direct, always accomplishing-displaying-inspiring-accomplishing more, in control of my time and emotion, my actions and ruling thoughts, able to deny all generous intent for the distraction it provides, single-minded, positive, prepared and gravitational.

As it is, write now I'm falling asleep. However (in the spirit of shorter posts), I think that every day, especially free days, require the development of an extra sense for opportunity relevant to one's desire. If it's to be more healthy then picking up bananas, almonds, whole grain bread and natural peanut butter is probably a better investment than going to a fast food joint to satiate the craving. Likewise, personal therapy like this blog is better than playing a video game. Writing part of chapter instead of giving in to the "I'll do it later mentality," is the closest I have come to progress today. It was only about a page and a half, but I got through it. It's nice to try the muscle but until it's an everyday thing, that whole "proven capability" quality won't even be an estimation.

So here's to beginnings: Cheers.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


My last blog ended on an idealistic note; pacing the impulse of ambition and finding a much more dependable rhythm then the mood swings that accompany high expectation.

To clarify I'll use personal examples: I inspire a friend to draw and he in turn inspires me to write. We have the intention for helping each other out but the time between emails gets longer and longer. We don't speak on it because it is a mutual shame. I make promises to myself to explode with new material so he knows I didn't let him down but I give in to distractions whenever its time to work.

At this point I have to ask myself if I truly have a passion for storytelling or I just like the idea of it so much I refuse to look elsewhere. Meanwhile, my eyes alone are attempting to will the work through the rest of my body and no one is built that way.

Eventually what it comes down to is accountability, self awareness, self improvement, and self motivation. These qualities are gonna be over-represented thematically throughout my blogs. I'm no Doctor of physiology or psychology. I'm not a practiced spiritualist, historian, or theologian. I'm an unemployed undergrad with no real guidance save the tug deep down that says I've got to be my own man and I've got something to leave behind. My point here is to say that my story isn't climactic at the moment. Nor does my background give me any legitimate authority to say one action or perception is right over another. I try to use common (and sometimes uncommon) logic to provide an emotional assurance for myself that will hopefully get me to move forward on opportunities when obvious benefit does not. It's through that personal trial that I will attempt to extract and share my reasoning and experiences.

Ultimately I wish to combat a specific moment that some men seem to share. Entering my twenties, I was vital . . . well to a degree. I exercised. I wrote more. I felt more. I had more dates. I was keenly aware of my youth and my rising power (in terms of potential) to do anything I chose. Habits born from the ego disguise themselves through one's own justifications. I had been falling into detrimental habits (specifically toward my aspirations) for years without feeling the threat.

I think one of the benefits of becoming a writer or film maker is that I control my schedule or move more at a pace set with my own excitement or the strength of my imagination. I have ideas and want to get them out there. Doing it feel right. Having my time controlled by some company that leeches the spine right out of me makes me anxious, confused and resentful. My first order of business is to pursue my own happiness. There's a BIG however, however.

Alongside my desire is a companion in complacency. It looks like when I got used to envisioning an ideal future and consequently letting it go, I was, in a way, training myself to give up. I've heard stories of men shutting down. They come home and watch TV without interest. They go inward from their families and trust no one with their thoughts. They settle for the necessities and make the best of their time pretending there isn't a world outside the walls. Just a function to perform in order to maintain food, water and shelter and a collection of distractions.

I'm a victim of this. I've written long enough that I won't go into the details now but there is still part of me that holds onto the idea there is not one good dream worth letting go. So how does a guy like me, with years of inactivity (relevant to my dream) turn things around. Firstly, it's important to institute a firm confidence in oneself. I've got to limit my doubts, unlearn resignation, and most importantly, get uncomfortable (challenge my restraints).

I can only accomplish this with specifics so my next step is to list what these restraints are and then construct ways to break through.

Monday, August 24, 2009

My First Blog

Being young and unemployed is frustrating. It's not frustrating because I'm broke or anything. It's the social pressure and not being able to identify myself as a functional part of an institution that compensates me with an element of integrity.

Here goes the paradox: the integrity comes from alleviating the social pressure and most jobs remain a loathed obstruction to happiness, yet somehow result in stabilization, which also affords peace of mind, even though the social pressure never fades. It's just mitigated.

If I operated under my own volition, the obvious choice would be to continue doing so. Pressures and obligations to follow along in set paths for the promises no longer considered viable today ("careers afford retirement") exploit a fear that trumps the logic that times have changed. Self-employment or business ownership is the new stabilizer(or more specifically accountability, ie. savings, networking, diversifying and property rights). So I'm going to pretend that evolving is a positive thing and put some faith into the notion.

Moving forward: I've always wanted to be a fiction writer, and a screen-writer and eventually a director; a fairly popular one too (or at least popular enough to have some disposable income so I can comfortably take care of a family). So there you have it: premise (broke), antagonist (more jobs), protagonist(dream of compensated creativity).

And how does a young man begin: by challenging his affection for time consuming, linear, self-perpetuating objectives that are always within reach; VIDEO GAMES. I want to point out that part of my appreciation is shared with a similar regard for film. I'm no trivia junky, I just like the feeling of being swept away from personal circumstance to witness a self-contained drama concluded to my benefit and those of the immediate community. Popcorn in the teeth, sour patch kids in the gums, cherry-coke, cold theaters and my eyes can't leave the screen and often I share this experience with a couple hundred others. No discomfort. It's a show and its filtering through us all.

When I watch behind-the-scenes footage, I tend to tear up.

What would make a small army of technicians and artists work 20 hours a day in crazy weather all over the world for 2-3 years just to entertain a crowd for 2 hours? Money? Yeah but you can make money and stabilize yourself with a city job. Really, we're talking about something beyond the fundamentals, aren't we?

In the 2nd season of The Office, there's an episode where two of the male leads share a look with each other over that feeling of intense displacement when in such close proximity to a romance that remains, painfully, out of reach. I know that feeling. I was young and it tore me up pretty good but years later I found, as my desires matured a little, that you could have that for a position in life too; that you could fall in love with the idea of doing something or being someone and this love graduates and intensifies as you start to recognize all of the challenges in your way. There's no antidote for it, and it never goes in reverse.

For those of us that are a little reserved, we have to get comfortable with the idea of passion. It can come out jerky if you're not used to it and maybe scare people off. You can spend all your energy one day and end up exhausted by the effort. It isn't till you hit that slow burn that life jumps into that juxtaposition of relevance and irrelevance, and you finally start making decisions for yourself because you can't deny it anymore.


Current reads:
Visual Storytelling: The Art and Technique by Tony C. Caputo
The ABC's of Writing Winning Business Plans by Garrett Sutton, Esq.