and Nature apparently!
To do what is right is an acquired taste. Happiness is weird that way - you can be happy at anything you choose to be happy with (practically this may require a nervous breakdown). But there's only one form of right and our definition of it is evolving every generation.
For myself, the duty is here in creation. But being a pure consumer is its own joy. Taking life as it comes, rather than planning it and shaping it, is quite a luxury. It means I can depend on other leaders to pave the way. But I couldn't call myself free then. I'd be a slave to survival, to obligations, to institutions, to the nature of beasts and possibly to guilt and regret.
What one does from the moment he wakes up is naturally leaning toward the inclinations of habit. Breaking that cycle, when the false attempt is actually part of the cycle is something like purgatory. Give me another season of world of warcraft and I'll give you another year of idle banter about possibilities.
It sucks but I'm holding onto this awareness like a life preserver in a storm. I'm nowhere near driving the ship yet. It's more because I don't recognize that I know where to go, I might by the time I get there but right now there are so many initiatives I need to manage that I can't help feeling like I'm full of it: be a writer, be a film maker, write shorts and scripts and shot lists and story-boards and poetry and learn to perform it and learn to sing and learn the piano and learn to draw and read lots more and exercise and be a socialite and learn about theatre and listen to more music and start my own business and entertain thousands and make lots of money and live everywhere and start out with a mustang until I can get that bentley and live like a shaman until I can bring the new prophecy and start an underground special forces team of super-hippies like "men who stare at goats" and buy an island and have and support dozens of children all over the world like zeus and teach them all to command their destinies and get them a nasty kung fu master to train them and I can die quietly after eating heavy portions of spanish food with my family safe and happy and a brazilian dream in the shower and knowledge of all the world's warmth in my heart . . .
I'm convinced half of that can't happen without being attributed to some causality inherited from the moments I control every now that passes. Today I started writing plot summaries on what I hope to be a decent horrific supernatural short story. I could have pushed it and wrote the actual story up to where I knew it was going but instead I played like 6 games of league of legends. I also did critique a script and a short film for some colleagues but there's nothing quite like getting your own work done. It's a scary thing to realize you are an adult before you were ready to entertain that duty and come to find that you have yet to prove that your decisions for yourself are absolute. Maybe its much to think that most functioning adults are fine with discipline and commitment and I'm the odd one out, but I generally feel this way and making the change is rough business because to me being an adult means trying to change the world for the better every moment your a given to try. It means the pressure is on, you're on stage and held accountable for the fate of your corner of the universe and your actions ripple out consequences to the lives around you and there is no doubt as to the mischief chaos will command if you remain idle. And this sucks, cause ignorance is the most favorable kind of evil - in it the slavery is disguised as complacency and the world continues on in its erratic way cause you/I didn't play the part meant to be played.
That's what being adult means to me . . . being free, choosing right, and not bending to the convenience of lies or the shadow of innocence long gone. It means waking up for a purpose and performing it till you've got nothing left and boy what a bar I've set for myself . . .