Thursday, April 8, 2010

Yesterday and Tomorrow

Last night I received a call from my Aunt. She referenced me to an entrepreneur in the IT business. Sales, web technology, database management, application development, and copy-writing. My resume stinks. For what works in it, it has an equal value of detrimental nonsense that only conveys I have no clear direction. What else is new?
He was kind enough to explain the why and how and at least I have a lead to start some work. Will it get it me out of the ferris-wheel purgatory? I've got to start training anew, reset my goals and challenge my resolve. Not necessarily new activities but the focus wasn't there because the goals weren't clear. Ventures of time and money in the last month of unemployment were not what I had hoped for but it's better than nothing. Still, I'm unnerved by the question "Can you sell yourself?"
It's not a small thing to bluff when your integrity is on the line. You have to look at your short falls before plans can be put in place to fix them. But you're not allowed to acknowledge them at the moment of appraisal. It's bad business to choke when the light lands on you. And yet it's the most honest representation for someone who has so little to represent in terms of actual experience and tested savvy. You'd wanna say you think outside the box but you don't even know what the box is. You're not aware when you're considered creative or preemptive or capable because all you know are the problems you solved by the skin of your teeth. It makes me wonder if confidence is fabricated and installed from the outside in. If it's something that the ego creates, part of its function like a magic trick falsifies validity. Confidence is not a part of the natural equation, only necessity. So if survival requires fabrication it shouldn't cause such confusion. Still I don't like channeling bullshit. If I can't back it up, how would it make me look later? The world's big enough but the circles are small. After a certain period perhaps confidence becomes inherit, the life challenges meld together and are overcome with enough frequency to paste resolve over things that used to make you crap your pants. Until then do I just fake it?
I'm being given a test in copy-writing. I've read the fluff out there. It's repetitive, boring, horrid nonsense that conveys little to nothing of the bottom line. Websites are saturated with superfluous conjecture. I'm not talking about the product, just the crap that's written to get people to buy. Does income justify taking advantage of ignorance? Is beating people over the head with appropriated positivity really the way to get a message across? Am I asking too many questions about the system that works? Misdirection is happening on every level of the economy and it seems to be the key to getting things done. Without even coming to terms as to whether or not I can sell myself, I would be expected to sell someone else. Valid information can make an analytical person like me comfy. It means I can beat down antagonists, I can unsettle exploitation, I can be a self-righteous prick. And for some reason, that feels so much better. Is it better than feeling guilty for leading people on? Can I sell myself over an awful product? Is this tomorrow's challenge. What else am I bargaining if I wind up being good at it? It's easy to respect the approach of the survivalist. I think most put the questions of conscience aside and label it weakness when bills have to be paid. I haven't experienced that yet and thought of crossing the threshold . . . it better pay well.

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