Monday, April 5, 2010

Smug and Indignant

Approaching the one month marker to my much needed reality check (that's when the unemployment runs out), I'm finding that there is a thin line between frantic and indifferent behavior. The motivation has to be volatile to cause the excitement of urgency. If it implodes, the body is left in a void of reference. What am I talking about?

You can go over a year and have some distant appreciation of the fact that it's just easier not to do anything. Resources being available, you may criticize you're own dependence on the familiar world and it's friendlies, knowing it does little to represent the war that's coming. Surviving is not fun. It's just necessary; an unfair obligation. I might be revealing an engorged and possibly retarded dislike for the fundamentals, but authority being what it's become: an evolving reference mutated by people more inclined to exploit the obvious, the binding of "boss" and "bills", of "job" and "worth," getting out from under means a little psycho rebellion. I'm probably shooting myself in the foot somehow, but better now than never.

Opportunities can feel like burdens when you're not making your own life and used to it. Sharing controls with the controlling powers means limiting your ability to perceive a path through the frustration. What am I talking about?

I was a mean truant. I never grew out of my disinterests. I'm trying to find a way to happily partake in the labor circus but the people can and do suck. The whole "it's a part of life" deal doesn't fly with me. People shouldn't get to be assholes and the rest of the world deal. If they do, they definitely shouldn't be promoted. Maybe fairness is the harder gig. Regardless, service has been transformed. The taste is bitter. Work is hated, enterprise is forgotten, reward is alien.

The world can't run without people willing to contribute. I get that. I'm not offering up a rhetoric problem to whine about although some might see that. I'm 26 and I appreciate that new generations arrive everyday without any clue about the world they are going to inherit or if its even something they know they're allowed to be unhappy about. Happiness is the pursuit after all, lest we forget.

The days now are much faster than I ever recall them capable of being. Aggression would help but I have little. The enemy is invisible and even if I saw it I doubt I'd understand the threat emotionally. It's just an intellectual alarm going off at the moment. The survival mechanism kicks in abruptly when the wallet thins and it truly is a shame it comes to that. There's so much more to life than emergencies, at-will employment, and showing deference to idiots.

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