Tuesday, November 17, 2009

a tugging horizon

Being young, creative, analytical, and sleepy just doesn't work. You can only get away with so much bullshit before everyone realizes nothing is going on, there's no music at the party, the cake never got picked up.

I can only begin to identify the traces of success by the lack of it in my own life. Conveniently, I manage to protect myself from total defeat by never actually becoming the challenger. But that complacency is changing. The toys I want are getting bigger, the hole inside me is growing, the internal event calendar is mailing call sheets and whether I'm ready or not, some part of me is gonna show up and expect a show. Do you even know what I'm talking about?

How exactly does one save for a car? How does one buy a home and avoid foreclosure? How do people manage to fall in love and prepare for a family? How do people live long enough and healthy enough to be there for their grand-children's graduation? How does a person keep from being sedentary? How do we grow proud from accomplishment? How does one amass his power and use it purposefully?

Friendship, Family, Wealth, Style, Momentum, and the Health to hold it all up; this goes together or nothing goes at all. Wealth isn't a definition of how filthy you are, just how capable you are of staying ahead of the game, living below your means and being able to handle monetary emergencies without stress. It means providing to those that depend on you. Health isn't about running the marathon every year, but how about running for 20 minutes without wanting to quit, let alone actually stopping. It's about understanding that the definition of running for the benefit of health requires strain, you shouldn't have time to regret, to admire the scenery. You should be appreciating your own systems as the limitations are lifted one push at a time.

Humans consume everything on the planet. But we are not stronger than a bear or able to out-think the various dangers of our natural world. Our ideas are supported and developed within our race. We are our greatest resource; PEOPLE are your greatest resource. Relationships, social calibration and dynamics are not just ways to get laid but also to get paid. Relationships are how things change, they are a necessity to any type of better life. Even I, as a general loner, can accept that.

I don't really care about others in a sense that I think it would matter to them. Time and distance strain the assumptions that come with a relationship. But incentive is universal. Everyone wants something, you figure it out and stimulate that goal, the individual responds in kind to feel less vulnerable.

The other elements like style and momentum are born from the realization that you are only pushed to the front when you set yourself apart. Your identity is one of your greatest commodities, no one else can possess it. So don't settle for neutrality.

My dilemma is that conceptually, the world falls together into something cohesive and complimentary. But my own weaknesses prevent me from engaging the fruits of my wonder. Even now I'm having a hard time staying focused and awake. I also never created a purpose for this blog which I will have to do soon so as not to confuse my future readers.

My point, despite all this digression, is that the minute you accept the existence of a desire for all the normal and abnormal things you want, if they are honest pure wants, then a part of you begins to hold you accountable for all the decisions you make. And so realizing some simple things like wanting a family, a home, a car, I've had to guess at whether or not I want them more than I want to write for a living. If so, I can go get a city job or something. But doing what I love and living a life with all those gifts included is the true goal. Knowing that I can see how many times a day I betray myself and it hurts.

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