I Don't Know What to Do: War

Yesterday I was in the city. Manhattan was full on a weekday evening. It was pregnant with exasperation and beautiful people and the achingly high buildings which speak of an alternate reality right next to ours at the bottom but theoretical at our best attempt to picture. I came away from a production meeting proceeding an uneventful casting (in terms of turnout, not quality per se). I went home feeling a little uplifted. The director's confidence helped me feel well-placed. And I reorganized my thoughts on the way. I was at war. I've been struggling to gain a winning hand in this mess of my identity. Action defines a person. Although I'm an idealist, I'm nothing if not executing the weight of my ideals... Ugh, that old problem again. I can speak of the proverbial "this time." I can talk forever of the beauty of a world pulled together knowing the effort involved is unfathomable. I can cling to dreams because the romance of longing for something truly great and selfless is both rapturous and selfish. But the truest work is in giving. Real work is the provision of labor and focus. Real work is meaningful and draining and rewarding. Real work is not something someone can ask of you. It is a precedent you can set and remake every day. Being a real worker is often joyless but it is soothing on some level. Directly or indirectly, it requires a divorce from the ego. But does this mean we give up pursuits of power and the benefits of wielding it? Sexuality, wealth, popularity, fine materials and expensive trinkets? Do we give up wanting to travel to the exotic, eat the exotic, have grand spaces allocated for our sole enjoyment and servants at our beck and call? Do we give up the pleasure of music and celebration in exclusive locales, access, luxury? I don't have any of the above and something tells me that if I did I would abuse them all with abandon. I would live this way if I could. I would submerse myself in the mire of stimulus until I had lost the very meaning I was born with and all I am had been supplanted with a meaningless joy. I would do it because I know I cannot truly live without understanding what I would be giving up. To see the limitations of myself now, of myself in power, of myself as an idealist, of myself as resigned, to envision all ends in limitation places idealism in paradox. The freedom to believe whatever versus the self-contained nature of any concept conceivable; where you look, you find Him - infinite forms of finite meaning; a language against boundary and a path to truth. The harmony of all of agendas will only create stagnation, a loss of need. The search is more essential. We are headed somewhere... We are imbalanced because evolution requires it. We must fight always to turn the leading philosophy, or to strengthen it. To what end? Does it matter? The breakdown of all pursuits is ubiquitous. Power corrupts, as they say. This is just one manifestation. College dropouts amass great wealth; this is another. There are no true stigmas BECAUSE because war is there to change the definition of stigma. I wrote once more that I would pursue earning $10k a month. Around $6k from production and post sound and the remaining over time from literary residuals, film distribution and my nonprofit salary. I told myself this having only half a business plan, half a sound kit, half an understanding of sound design, any number of half-developed short fiction and novel ideas. The war has raged for the last 20 years, slowly at first and now more fiercely. The enemies recognize each other and brutalize each other openly, leaving me the host frantic with desperation and guilt, doubt and rage. I lean into it. I lean into it. I will tremble beneath the strike. I will feel the fear. I will shake and cry. I will stand if more from stubborn will than from courage. I will stand because people depend on me. And more will before this battle is over. I am haunted by it.

Smart brain lists agenda, body to follow

Inspired by the short story "Memento Mori" by Jon Nolan, I take whole-heartedly to the concept that I'm not altogether of one mind on any given inspiration. My day is littered with wayward suggestions, many of which I'm directly responsible for, so that at the end of the day when I remember the yearnings of this year, my age and life, I'm left wondering why I didn't commit the day pursuing them. The hours fly by in a waste of irrelevance. Might as well commit some things here and perhaps if I remember to read this post early enough in the day I will find the heart to stay true to the yearnings that accompany me to bed every evenings with harsh reprove. I will play the piano. I will read music. I will speak Spanish. I will speak Russian. I will speak Hebrew. I will write countless works of fiction and have several published. I will stay fit and healthy. I will keep the stress away. I will start and build and lead a successful film company. I will have a home. I will have a family. I will support my mom. I will dress well. I will have a nice car. I will save money for my children. I will mentor a host of youth with a philosophy that will strengthen the film industry. I will read my library in its entirety. I will dance salsa well. I will be a functional sketch artist. I will make my family proud every year. I will play video games again one day on my own big screen with surround sound. I will see my films in the cinema, my books in the store. I will travel and I will have wonderful views from all my homes. There's more. It gets quite specific in fact. The details in the dreams aren't likely beneficial for you, my nonexistent reader, and less so for me since I'm sure given the chance anyone can site an endless list of what appeals to them. These first entries came to mind first and so I'll deal with them. In order to do the things that require mastery, like artistry, dance, writing, speaking different languages and building a business based on a collaborative medium, as well as staying fit, one would assume a daily routine. So how do I create one suitable while eating and maintaining some social and hygienic responsibilities and protect myself from being led astray? Planning, the original intent of this post, isn't working.

Self-discovery

Modesty dictates we humiliate ourselves. The nature of the humble man is to admit his faults and decline recognition of his strengths. To do anything else is liable to invite criticism. We fear that. We like our eligibility, we enjoy the benefits of a well-regarded ego. Science has taught us the ego is not acting alone. Before I continue I should say that what's brought be to this discussion is a lack of opportunity. I'm trying to give up one obsession and replace it with another one which has been greatly neglected. The formation of ideas, philosophizing, communicating and eventually using the influence of developed thought to enhance the world through story or conversation of some other means. But the premise, yes? No jobs. I'm suited for very little. My copy-writing is verbose and frankly I don't enjoy it for products I don't believe in and I doubt myself for products I might believe in because marketing is an industry of bullshit. You make buying decisions on analysis that means very little. You sell yourself, your own conviction to people that are too scared to take any responsibility for themselves. Ultimately what is of value is access to TV/Radio and Web. Something catchy, some well received art and smart wording and the right connections and you can sell almost any concept. I'm presuming. I have no direct experience but a track record of success isn't based on any quantifiable outcome because each deal may have been bullshit that came out of the last pile of bullshit being bought. It's simply people that understand how to manipulate public thinking with the presumption of being right. I think the public itself is too wild a beast to be predicted but if you only provide them with certain choices you only have to be as attractive as the other guy to get a share of public access. I digress. I analyze too much for that work and I think it's shifty. Can't get into hospitality cause it's got a fence and I don't know anyone on the inside. I have no admin experience, most offices prefer women and apprenticeship is a lost mechanism. I can't apply to full-time positions because of school and frankly there are no more leaders in the corporate world. Just over privileged bosses that are petty or indifferent, really human beings with a dose of authority that results in capable, hard-working folks supervised by fearful, self-important, morons. The greater the authority the greater the servant you are, both to your company AND your subordinates. They respond because you lead them. They curse you and hate you if you treat them like slaves. But it's better, from the company standpoint, to limit dissent with tyrannical behavior. The more difficult and irrational a supervisor is, the better chance they have at receiving a promotion. I'm ranting now. This was about self-discovery. I'm mad. I've discovered that. I will discover a few more things before the day is through and many of these things I'll forget. I suppose under the right range of influences I could be anything. And here's the kicker, the choice to pursue the development of certain discovered aspects is as much a part of who you are and can be as is what you discover in the first place. You are allowed not simply to take the good with the bad, although that certainly is a start, but also to become attracted to your own best attributes and to exercise them as a muscle. Leadership doesn't only come from taking responsibility for your faults, but also taking responsibility for your strengths. Imagine a romantic relationship where you never sought forgiveness for your insecurities because you understood the truth and chose to work beyond it. Imagine the way your parents would look at you if you simply embraced your destiny and let them know you were going to be OK. I'm jobless today because of the economy and because face-to-face interviews have been replaced with digital walls that only benefit understaffed HR departments who will probably hire the bosses asshole nephew anyway. But I can think and I am physically capable. I can work even if no work is given to me. I can be my own industry if I choose to be. Realizing this is a strength in itself. There was never anything to lose because nothing belongs to you, not even time which is ever flowing. The only thing that will attract the right things to you is accepting your greatest self and letting others know that you know things will happen exactly as they should. As long as you uphold your end, you're doing all you can and it is better to live with that pride than to fuss over the inequity of your environment.... Damn. Well we all need an outlet.

Today is (aw hell you can see the date next to the post)

I spent the last two days on Diablo III. Then I woke up and had a fit of hysteria to some dub-step. I exercised and practiced talking about my company in the mirror. More ideas and no assets. Ah...what it means to be an American. I've inherited the dream and my only job is to chase it. It can be my only function. Everything else is moot. Today's epiphany: Our identities are preconditioned by external influence. We are not that. Our physical type is preconditioned by inherited influence. We are not that. Our emotions are conditioned by chemical reaction. We are not them. We are born from both extremes and what is truly us is that one element that weighs the options and moves forward. The enemy is the thought that makes us believe it is better to make no choice or that one is not available. We are choice. That is, if not the defining element of our existence, the one subtle clue to the truth of our destiny. We should hold on to it as if our life depended. We should hold to the little voice that warns us away from harm, and supports us through acts of bravery. We should stay true to the nature that existed before our current nature was given to us. It is not human. We are only human for being born on Earth and in our time. The truth of us comes from what humans are meant to be. Adaptation is a core element of my business model. It has to be. If we are contained, with as little assets as we have, we are dead in the water. Mobility will be our answer. Are projects must be flexible. Our income streams must be diverse. Our staffing must be interchangeable. That is how we will defeat many waves of resistance.

Today is Monday, Fourth of June, Year 2012

I did little of what I wanted to do yesterday. Plagued by human frailty, I wonder what the machine lives like. No matter. I will delve into the distraction and come out of it alive yet. I'll undo the curse. I must. Ahead of me, so that I may recall and be so bold as to state, lies an ambitious journey. It's one that I pray will affect the class structure as a tectonic plate with a mind to move. I believe people should work and have stability. Moreso, I believe the abundance of the current age should be presented. We are a shortsighted race. Profit is all too important now. I'm happy for it in that it becomes a measure of esteem to those with a mind for conquest, venture, investment and building. But for everyone else that has yet to withdraw their sword, we need education. And yet education is under attack. So jobs, and schools and . . . Dreams, yes? I see now that I am afraid of what I am suited for. I am afraid it will not be my dream. I have suffered illusions before. Most of them were born in my heart from longing and loneliness. You can influence the world but you can't control people. But I need people to make this work. How will I inspire them? How will I inspire them?

Today is Sunday, the Third of June, Year 2012

I would like to be less obscure. I would also like to be far more committed to my plans then, lets say, the plans organized by Blizzard and Bioware and Bethesda game developers. A valuable lesson here though: if you want to be successful in life, sell crack. My thoughts should be shorter. I'll start with my plans for today: a new love journeys far from me. There's a need to fill the gap. Old initiatives vie for priority. But one looms above them all. I have no specialization save what my schooling is prepping me for. I don't know how this happened. But I'm going to acknowledge that I've done enough day dreaming about starting my own company to warrant some relevant behavior. I'm playing Diablo III till 10 AM. Then I am walking to campus to see if its open so I can write till 2pm. Though I am eager to dive into my fiction once again, I have a lot to do for my business plan. It's the priority. I am coming back home to exercise. From 5pm to 9pm I will look for work and/or try to organize work opportunities. I will watch the season finale of Games of Thrones. I'll meditate for 30 minutes on my progress and my next step and I'll write to notify those following me of how things went. Then I will play more Diablo III.

On Victory

It's never the point, is it?

It's fleeting. It doesn't provide. I mean there is the endorphin reaction, sure. But anything worth celebrating is usually won at great cost against great adversity. And for what? To take in the moment and go home?

It's not about the end but what comes after. It's about utilizing the prestige or the momentum to great effect. It's about continuing on in a greater state than you were before.

I have this habit of writing to fulfill a sense of productivity, like depositing change in a bank. And I think if I can just get my hands loose I'll continue and write my fiction and my poetry. But instead I allow this feeling of satisfaction, this false accomplishment, to take the place of anything else I might do that would actually mean something.


It calms me down. Admittedly the act is an escape. I write something to avoid writing THE thing. I never thought that each poem and each completed short would simply be a step in a building process of my own strength as a writer. I mean we know this as common sense - that people who do something often get better at it. But I think my perspective viewed the outcome as the goal, not as one long continuous evolution of effort. So I'd write for the day and forget about it. I'd eat for the moment and forget about it. I'd earn a paycheck from work and use it as I need it but not as I choose to invest it. Each repetitive thing we ignore is valuable in the pursuit of a great living state IF we understand the worth of victory as a practice.

Victory or success or winning, all mean you have a temporary edge. It's confidence. It's being known perhaps. It's an opportunity to be listened to and taken seriously.

On the road to public success must be an infinite amount of private ones. There certainly are an infinite amount of private failures I can account for, otherwise I wouldn't be home in my pajamas for the last 3 days playing games on my laptop. Now there is a habit well constructed and afforded by the genius in interactive entertainment. How can a person with the aptitude for over 12 hours of focus, easily, have it susceptible to the particular stimulus of the digital medium and not be able to wield it on command?

I thought wanting something and achieving it were arbitrarily related. Now I see that the tools best suited are not aptly applied as a rule in some cases. Crossed wiring?

But like any program, a command change in one line can alter the function. They way I viewed tasks made the approach seem laborious. But looking beyond the final word of the story, beyond the development of the script, beyond the choice to try, beyond the eventual success of achievement, and I am confronted by an ideal state by which I can do . . . some real good in this world.

Well I'm not sure if I truly believe that. For every idea I have there are people that would attack it and maybe the best ideas are never seen that way until they've been marketed right. Trying to find the true good in the middle of all the things that seem to come close is impossible. Sometimes it seems like humans were never meant to agree. But then there's victory and you can't be victorious in the way we are used to without it being recognized by those around you.

It's a moment of communion but that isn't the point now. It just resembles something that we are all attracted to... And I suppose those that are watching want to be a part of it. So victory becomes a greater statement about what we all want in the world, the quality within us to offer something important. And then-to do just that.

If I look at meeting goals as having the right to meet another and taking joy in each accomplishment, then I would never cease in my effort and I would accomplish a great deal.

My challenge exists in all the habits formed prior to this new practice, where there was no importance beyond the act or beyond the day. I've had so much time to lose my sense of urgency that now, when I'm trying to create a sense of perpetual joy while acting upon a realized freedom to succeed, I am faced with a wall of complacency.

In games we are provoked into action and we call it stimulus. We are attacked and we find within us the nature to respond, to end the conflict, to resolve the turmoil, to save the day or overcome the challenge otherwise. But when realizing our own worth we are faced with the infinite. I don't know where to begin at first because I'm thinking of some goal that doesn't exist.

Victory isn't a goal, it's a state of existence. One instance of success MUST role into another. It is the waves of motion in the ocean, it is the steady self-perpetuating rhythm of our hearts. Success is life and death every day, a cycle that has allowed humanity to form. So success in the heart and mind must not be constricted . . .

We call it hard work and seek to escape it. We seek to relax and think we owe it to ourselves to rest. But when it's the right work and we use that same formula we are missing the point. This is the problem, or part of it at least.

I believe investment is dangerous, I am programmed to avoid my commitment. It's not that I don't want to write but I have a strong sense that I shouldn't and I can't figure out the one root and this is how I know that wanting something isn't enough. The feeling, it's the feeling. There is a lot of hesitation when I think about acting. Hesitation and fear as if I stood before something too important to touch but would be mine if I felt the conviction of being worthy of it.

It's an honest question poised to me from something ultimately beyond my understanding:

DO I REALLY WANT THIS? IS IT REALLY MINE? DO I HAVE THE RIGHT?

There is no judgement in the question because all the consequences are known and accounted for somewhere. It's just a question for me and about me and no one truly knows what it feels to be asked it in my shoes and know one should ever care.

The universe is benevolent and just. The void it contains eclipses our understanding, our perspective, our reality. You do not accept deals with it lightly if you do not know your place, and yet men do it easily enough in their ignorance and plow forward through history recklessly and call it it bravery. There is a modicum of bravery sure, when facing the unknown.

But it is far more terrible to face the full request and consequence of your existence and choose the path forward once you understand the importance of the part you can play.

So we come at last to the famous saying "Be careful what you wish for." It is a lesson in the heart of me that I do not take lightly and it is disguised by humility, thought it is truly a fear of my own capacity; of the image I must invoke, the person I must become to allow for all the effort I am as yet unfamiliar with in this life. But the choice is not fleeting, it stays with me and stares at me and waits. It is the patience of it that is unnerving and makes me feel like I have a debt to pay.