Sunday, November 11, 2012

She's bound on the tracks and getting the hint she can't stay there

I was up all night again playing Diablo III. It was just about 5am when I finally quit my session. I had been playing since roughly 11am the previous day. I had taken a few breaks to eat. I studied a text book for perhaps 20 minutes. My mom is working at Macy's because she's obligated to. My gf was studying her ass of for her PhD. It's not that I'm not in school and a normal job at this point would prove a hindrance. The idea is that with the time I have available I should be pulling ahead of the game and setting down to lay out the tracks for my near future. Instead I was actively putting it off, choosing to be anything but what my truer passions have been stirring me for because of this amazing distraction we call gaming...It is an addiction. I slipped back into it. But with the recent election, because of Obama and the sever nature of the business I claim to be interested in, and my age, I am sorely aware of the fact that I cannot hold onto my youth forever. I matter now. My mind and my limbs are needed and whey they are not available it is felt. It's painful returning to consciousness. And I know that when I finally do sleep today and wake up around 2pm or so, I won't know where to begin to fill the void. I'll be shaken. My library won't do it. It won't attack me. My studies won't stimulate me in that frenzied kinetic way. My dreams will seem more displaced from reality that that tangible controller... But now that I've finally taken the step to uninstall all gaming from my laptop and my 360 is still packed away, perhaps I can make that change. I'm no longer wild enough to say this is the day of days, this is the moment of change. I don't know what makes the difference. I'm not sure what keeps us from change and what finally agrees to allow us to move forward with it but if it truly were up to my most present and concerned facets I would have been in a very different place by now. An aspect of myself got too big and I do have reason to fear it's response over the next few days at it realizes it doesn't have its most immediate arena for amusement. Sure there's writing and drawing and learning. Sure there's the films and self-investment otherwise and exercise. Sure there's my family, gf, and friends. Sure there's the search for work and the development of my company which all is very important. And of course there are the spiritual pursuits. But there's this illusion I uphold about time in between, as if there ever really is. About decompressing and mindlessness and free time. There truly isn't any. But a part of me still subscribes to a period in my life where I didn't have to care, even if I did... I'm going to change. Before I hit rock bottom, before utmost tragedy. Before I have to be taught a painful and ugly life lesson. I'm going to change before I fail everyone in my corner, before it supposedly becomes easier and before that fabled perspective arrives off a spaceship and hands me my destiny. I'm going to change before I get too old and worn out to fool around. I'm going to change on purpose because - I deserve to take myself seriously. And if I ever hope to be truly taken seriously, if I ever hope to inspire followers, I need to apply myself. Today hasn't even begun and it's already practically wasted...but I suppose starting the day with a sacrifice and some choice words isn't the worst case. Perhaps 20 minutes ago I was absorbed in my avatar's performance. Now I'm rubbing my face incessantly and tugging on my hair. I'm slouching. The middle of my back feels just awful. And when I stretch I can tell my ribs and breastplate were compressed. I must look crazy. And I'm pretty sure the uneven sleep cycle contributes to stress related symptoms and the odd physical cue like acne. I feel very much uncool. But the greater realization was that not only of degeneration but a near-conscious choice away from the things I claimed responsibility for and the desire to be recognized for. I've dropped the ball horribly this semester and was approaching the precipice... I could always have done better, but now I feel that I truly need to. The games, I see, will mark the end of me and everything I stand for if I don't resist today and forever forward work to replace the focus of that obsessive habit with one nearer to the practice of whom I deserve to be and whom others deserve from me. Specifically, the writer, the film maker, the founder, the activist, the father, the good son, the happy man, the true adventurer. There's still room for him yet I know, but only if I embrace him now. Life will not get any easier if I continue to turn my nose up and away from so precious a path as the one I've been escaping. God help me. I'm so tired all of a sudden and I don't know how to end...

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