Almost always from the top . . . with feeling

Half-starts; seems to be the way with things. With me. I can perceive a momentum but cannot note a measure of its force. I'm constantly reminded of a dwindling landscape, a shortening potential, and the huge opportunities afforded in the moments regardless. It can be overwhelming to juggle the causes for life with living itself. All romance can do is amplify despondence as the will rises to take its place.

I'm talking of course about what is so easy to talk about and do little else. Destiny. The more steps I take the more risks I must be willing to accept. It may indicate a clue that I am on the path I need to be on. I've had several epiphanies though I cannot remember them all in order:

1) The hero grows weak when the villain does not avail itself. Conviction is grown from adversity. So if the adversity is subtle or seemingly absent, we should understand that as an opportunity to flourish, instead of becoming complacent and tragic.

2) In the end, there is no greater purpose in the pursuit of completeness than myself (this may seem simply ego-centric, but when the passions cannot be summoned for the external and fickle entities we are relationed to, we must ask the questions if we are enough in the end, or will the outward lack of inspiration be enough to damn us).

3)I sleep best when I take forward steps.


Developing a relationship with the self, which means learning to keep promises to the self is the first step in dealing with the world. You must have your own confidence before others can follow your lead, let alone trust you. You must know yourself as if from the outside as well as from the innermost core. I have no more lies, just adamant failures to comply, but I'd like to think my eyes are open.

The world might end if not for the hope we can carry to such a magnitude within our singular forms. Together, dreams weave together and can knit the universe in patterns not yet intended by what greater consciousness that saw to the timing of our creation. It's good to believe in something, better to let it move you if that movement is meant to build or repair. I suppose what I'm reaffirming for myself is the responsibility we have here.

I thought I would write here about being American, but the closest I can come to is acknowledging what meaning I seek in a country that is so abundant and corrupted. There is little we need to do now save dream and create - the means of survival requiring less and less, or more and more of our spirit than our instinct to survive.

I would read on political and environmental issues, would find ways to teach and commit myself to great endeavors but I am half-cooked, not yet ripe. I am still master of nothing and so can be depended on for little. I'm scared of this lack of definition and once more rally to work at reversing this condition here and everywhere.