Sometimes you gotta put your own north star up there.

 Um...

 

shit.

I woke up a week ago and decided I was gonna be a content creator via this blog, youtube, twitch and vimeo (my gf encourages me to use colors...)

THE GOALS: 

• write fiction for people who still like to read and don't mind reading from an amateur as long as the stories are cool
• make movies I want to make for folks that can appreciate them [cheap or no-budget, but funny or thrilling]
• play games and share that experience with folks that can dig it
• do it all in a way where the products compliment each other
• do it all in a way that increases my chances of being able to survive off this and contribute to a household CAUSE I'M 31 AND A COLLEGE EDUCATION = F*IN USELESS!

[Disclaimer: I went for a double major in creative writing and film production.  I understand, but I had hopes and I still believe it would've been useful if someone had explained you could build your craft outside of college without having to go into debt. Leave college for occupational therapy or accounting. Film Production especially put me in the $60,000 hole besides other expenses that built up while I was busting my ass on set.  I was naive and to stick it out was just me being stubborn.  But I didn't want to be called a quitter.  Lesson: Knowing when to quit is wisdom.  Too bad it tends to stem from hindsight.]

That's me ^ using the internets.  OBS WHAT?!



OBSERVATIONS
A few things have become immediately clear:  

1. The market is saturated but that doesn't mean it's saturated with entertainers.  If I'm going to make it, I've got to learn how to be clear, engaged and be entertaining.
2. I need control over the stream.  Control might as well mean becoming a GOD-DAMNED ASTRONAUT (they're cool, just sayin)! And I'm going to need money.
3. I need to remember what it was to enjoy video games and movies again.  Since college, production's become slave labor and video games are a source of guilt.  The audience this is built for is eagerly awaiting an escape and I gotta be able to find it myself.

BUT HOW (I really don't f*in know!)

This is an old blog. If you dare to read older posts prepare to be either bored, depressed, confused, or secretly consoled that you're not alone given pretty typical themes of awkwardness, searching or whatever.

I think I've been trying to tell my story in attempt to export accountability. That doesn't work. I wasn't offering anything in return. There are no solid answers or pathways.  You gotta cut through the brush.  You gotta lather up the sky and plant your own business up there.

My business now is the big thing, it's the thing we all want: do what we love for a living, be able to do it well and be fairly compensated for it. What's especially important to recognize here is that if I can pull it off, anyone can!

It so happens I'm just about as far from success as you can get without being a hobo. My personal TV is broken. My laptop is over decade old. I have nothing to invest in any new equipment or games and I have zero experience in broadcasting. The gauntlet's been set.

This is a dangerous situation.

--------------------------------

The rest of this week I'll be editing a few films I made in college and writing my video intro for my youtube channel. I'll also be revising some shorts stories I've written. I'll set a date now for uploading at least one short film Thursday and one short story Friday.  

Twitch streaming practice will begin late nights till about 3 or 4 am EST and Tuesdays from 5-9pm or so.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned.

- C

Emotional Risk is Finite Bloodletting

Image Credit:playalapa.com Morning Sunlight in the Jungle

 I don't believe there's a true image of the jungle we can uniformly rely upon.  The clearing up ahead we've been searching for is unanimously ominous by the time we realize how important it's become.  We've learned to do without it.  We've convinced ourselves that humility was God's greatest lesson.  And yet there it is.

Waiting long enough to understand it's not a reflective mirage beyond the haze of breaking light, but another pair of eyes altogether glinting across the clearing, is part of growing wiser.  We are our worst danger, both within ourselves and upon each other.  Simultaneously we need one another to learn and grow and to make better use of the efforts enlisted in our deep struggles.

I don't want to be writing at 1:11 AM.  I want to sleep.  I'm turning 31.  I'm not nearly as depressed as I was this time last year.  But I am conscious that the energy I've taken for granted all this time is definitely on allowance and the currency is far less than what it was when I was younger.  Either that, or I spent it all too soon satisfied with fantasy alone.

  

image credit:
http://images.forwallpaper.com/

It was always about dragon-slaying.  When I got up this morning, dragging my gut out of bed and washing my face with soap that didn't seem to be working on imperfections that never seemed to clear up and a nagging sense that the day was already wasted, it was very much still about dragon-slaying.  Some books call it resistance.  It's like there's this spiritual gravity which binds us from the freedom we believe is hidden in the world in the form of some destiny bound to a magical weapon meant for our singular wielding.

But the dragon never dies.  Both it and us reawaken to circle each other until the days have all gone and we're all but forgotten...

Why did I abandon this blog?  Two years ago it could've been any number of reasons: a bad breakup, loss of the dream, serious life doubts, you name it.  I've been broke and not being able to make money over an extended period of time is bound to have a psychological effect.  I'm not on meds because I'm too stubborn to stay consistent with the perpetual flow of doctor's appointments that take place after just the first.  I was so busy asking questions I didn't know that answering them was up to me.  I needed time.

Image credit: familyguy.wikia.com

But not writing wasn't the answer.  It has remained an important space for reflection and without it I've been numb to my own journey.  I'm not happy with the habits I've been repeating but I will talk about what good's been done today and what I might do better tomorrow:  I awoke this morning with a thought to accomplish, efficiently, an assignment due at my internship EOD by lunchtime.  Barring a small complication, that was accomplished.  I was able to use the remainder of the day to review several articles about the evolving freedom of filmmaker entrepreneurs in the age of self-distribution, review some interesting parallels in the music industry, and share these thoughts with a co-worker.  I'm not going to be interning for long, and it frustrates me that many of the professional staff are nearly 10 years younger than me while I'm just interning.  But I am happy to be in an environment where I can talk openly about my interests.

I came home to have dinner with a loved one, exercise, watch some Sherlock Holmes and there's a peace worth fighting for.  The only problem is the big job isn't done: a story teller must tell the stories, a producer must produce, and I think I'm going to skip my thesis film at Brooklyn College, graduate with my English degree, and move away from, what is to me, a needless expense that would only bury me further in debt with little to show.  I have too many stories half-baked in too many scribbles across too many half-used legal pads.  I long deeply for that sense of achievement and camaraderie a thesis engagement, but I truly feel what I'm putting aside is...well, life.  I need to move on and out of Brooklyn College and I need to do it before I lose my mind.

This weekend I should be performing location sound services for a short (26 pages!) paranormal action/drama pilot that a friend's pulled me on for no-pay.  I don't want to do it.  But I will because I've got a few of these left in me and sometimes bright young people just need a little help.  Where else can they get it if not from friends that believe in them?  As long as I can live in that world, I don't mind making a part of it.  

The Afternoon After

Image from http://www.boattitleanswers.com/

   As if it were yet a turning point . . . But I am trying, still, to change what I represent; both consciously and unconsciously.

   That much being evident I believe I need to bring the focus around. My first order of business is to rise up out of the hole: achieve gainful employment or earn meaningful income otherwise. By meaningful or gainful I mean, at the least, that I can support myself and a little bit more. That's my first goal.

   The future beyond that point is equally clear to me but I'll begin but underscoring the point that what I can do for myself, I will work to pass on ever year - either through perspective, influence, participation or donation.

   Chances are anything I am able to accomplish will not happen alone and my ability to achieve wealth or success on my brand will have more to do with my diligence at work, my capacity to uphold a distinct quality standard, and mostly my ability to work well with others and to inspire them to offer their best with me.

   The vision of the income stream is set to 3 fields: Sound, Writing, and Business Management. More specifically sound recording and design, writing fiction and editorials, and lastly business to the extent of the founding and management of my own non-profit production company, for-profit studio, and the regular production of shorts, features and other modes of storytelling throughout.

   There is enough here to last a lifetime but even this work leads somewhere. My first step however is to become solvent and now that the road has been cleared of some debris (the games on my laptop) I believe the urgency I've denounced for so long will come home to roost.

She's bound on the tracks and getting the hint she can't stay there

I was up all night again playing Diablo III. It was just about 5am when I finally quit my session. I had been playing since roughly 11am the previous day. I had taken a few breaks to eat. I studied a text book for perhaps 20 minutes. My mom is working at Macy's because she's obligated to. My gf was studying her ass of for her PhD. It's not that I'm not in school and a normal job at this point would prove a hindrance. The idea is that with the time I have available I should be pulling ahead of the game and setting down to lay out the tracks for my near future. Instead I was actively putting it off, choosing to be anything but what my truer passions have been stirring me for because of this amazing distraction we call gaming...It is an addiction. I slipped back into it. But with the recent election, because of Obama and the sever nature of the business I claim to be interested in, and my age, I am sorely aware of the fact that I cannot hold onto my youth forever. I matter now. My mind and my limbs are needed and whey they are not available it is felt. It's painful returning to consciousness. And I know that when I finally do sleep today and wake up around 2pm or so, I won't know where to begin to fill the void. I'll be shaken. My library won't do it. It won't attack me. My studies won't stimulate me in that frenzied kinetic way. My dreams will seem more displaced from reality that that tangible controller... But now that I've finally taken the step to uninstall all gaming from my laptop and my 360 is still packed away, perhaps I can make that change. I'm no longer wild enough to say this is the day of days, this is the moment of change. I don't know what makes the difference. I'm not sure what keeps us from change and what finally agrees to allow us to move forward with it but if it truly were up to my most present and concerned facets I would have been in a very different place by now. An aspect of myself got too big and I do have reason to fear it's response over the next few days at it realizes it doesn't have its most immediate arena for amusement. Sure there's writing and drawing and learning. Sure there's the films and self-investment otherwise and exercise. Sure there's my family, gf, and friends. Sure there's the search for work and the development of my company which all is very important. And of course there are the spiritual pursuits. But there's this illusion I uphold about time in between, as if there ever really is. About decompressing and mindlessness and free time. There truly isn't any. But a part of me still subscribes to a period in my life where I didn't have to care, even if I did... I'm going to change. Before I hit rock bottom, before utmost tragedy. Before I have to be taught a painful and ugly life lesson. I'm going to change before I fail everyone in my corner, before it supposedly becomes easier and before that fabled perspective arrives off a spaceship and hands me my destiny. I'm going to change before I get too old and worn out to fool around. I'm going to change on purpose because - I deserve to take myself seriously. And if I ever hope to be truly taken seriously, if I ever hope to inspire followers, I need to apply myself. Today hasn't even begun and it's already practically wasted...but I suppose starting the day with a sacrifice and some choice words isn't the worst case. Perhaps 20 minutes ago I was absorbed in my avatar's performance. Now I'm rubbing my face incessantly and tugging on my hair. I'm slouching. The middle of my back feels just awful. And when I stretch I can tell my ribs and breastplate were compressed. I must look crazy. And I'm pretty sure the uneven sleep cycle contributes to stress related symptoms and the odd physical cue like acne. I feel very much uncool. But the greater realization was that not only of degeneration but a near-conscious choice away from the things I claimed responsibility for and the desire to be recognized for. I've dropped the ball horribly this semester and was approaching the precipice... I could always have done better, but now I feel that I truly need to. The games, I see, will mark the end of me and everything I stand for if I don't resist today and forever forward work to replace the focus of that obsessive habit with one nearer to the practice of whom I deserve to be and whom others deserve from me. Specifically, the writer, the film maker, the founder, the activist, the father, the good son, the happy man, the true adventurer. There's still room for him yet I know, but only if I embrace him now. Life will not get any easier if I continue to turn my nose up and away from so precious a path as the one I've been escaping. God help me. I'm so tired all of a sudden and I don't know how to end...

I Don't Know What to Do: War

Yesterday I was in the city. Manhattan was full on a weekday evening. It was pregnant with exasperation and beautiful people and the achingly high buildings which speak of an alternate reality right next to ours at the bottom but theoretical at our best attempt to picture. I came away from a production meeting proceeding an uneventful casting (in terms of turnout, not quality per se). I went home feeling a little uplifted. The director's confidence helped me feel well-placed. And I reorganized my thoughts on the way. I was at war. I've been struggling to gain a winning hand in this mess of my identity. Action defines a person. Although I'm an idealist, I'm nothing if not executing the weight of my ideals... Ugh, that old problem again. I can speak of the proverbial "this time." I can talk forever of the beauty of a world pulled together knowing the effort involved is unfathomable. I can cling to dreams because the romance of longing for something truly great and selfless is both rapturous and selfish. But the truest work is in giving. Real work is the provision of labor and focus. Real work is meaningful and draining and rewarding. Real work is not something someone can ask of you. It is a precedent you can set and remake every day. Being a real worker is often joyless but it is soothing on some level. Directly or indirectly, it requires a divorce from the ego. But does this mean we give up pursuits of power and the benefits of wielding it? Sexuality, wealth, popularity, fine materials and expensive trinkets? Do we give up wanting to travel to the exotic, eat the exotic, have grand spaces allocated for our sole enjoyment and servants at our beck and call? Do we give up the pleasure of music and celebration in exclusive locales, access, luxury? I don't have any of the above and something tells me that if I did I would abuse them all with abandon. I would live this way if I could. I would submerse myself in the mire of stimulus until I had lost the very meaning I was born with and all I am had been supplanted with a meaningless joy. I would do it because I know I cannot truly live without understanding what I would be giving up. To see the limitations of myself now, of myself in power, of myself as an idealist, of myself as resigned, to envision all ends in limitation places idealism in paradox. The freedom to believe whatever versus the self-contained nature of any concept conceivable; where you look, you find Him - infinite forms of finite meaning; a language against boundary and a path to truth. The harmony of all of agendas will only create stagnation, a loss of need. The search is more essential. We are headed somewhere... We are imbalanced because evolution requires it. We must fight always to turn the leading philosophy, or to strengthen it. To what end? Does it matter? The breakdown of all pursuits is ubiquitous. Power corrupts, as they say. This is just one manifestation. College dropouts amass great wealth; this is another. There are no true stigmas BECAUSE because war is there to change the definition of stigma. I wrote once more that I would pursue earning $10k a month. Around $6k from production and post sound and the remaining over time from literary residuals, film distribution and my nonprofit salary. I told myself this having only half a business plan, half a sound kit, half an understanding of sound design, any number of half-developed short fiction and novel ideas. The war has raged for the last 20 years, slowly at first and now more fiercely. The enemies recognize each other and brutalize each other openly, leaving me the host frantic with desperation and guilt, doubt and rage. I lean into it. I lean into it. I will tremble beneath the strike. I will feel the fear. I will shake and cry. I will stand if more from stubborn will than from courage. I will stand because people depend on me. And more will before this battle is over. I am haunted by it.

Smart brain lists agenda, body to follow

Inspired by the short story "Memento Mori" by Jon Nolan, I take whole-heartedly to the concept that I'm not altogether of one mind on any given inspiration. My day is littered with wayward suggestions, many of which I'm directly responsible for, so that at the end of the day when I remember the yearnings of this year, my age and life, I'm left wondering why I didn't commit the day pursuing them. The hours fly by in a waste of irrelevance. Might as well commit some things here and perhaps if I remember to read this post early enough in the day I will find the heart to stay true to the yearnings that accompany me to bed every evenings with harsh reprove. I will play the piano. I will read music. I will speak Spanish. I will speak Russian. I will speak Hebrew. I will write countless works of fiction and have several published. I will stay fit and healthy. I will keep the stress away. I will start and build and lead a successful film company. I will have a home. I will have a family. I will support my mom. I will dress well. I will have a nice car. I will save money for my children. I will mentor a host of youth with a philosophy that will strengthen the film industry. I will read my library in its entirety. I will dance salsa well. I will be a functional sketch artist. I will make my family proud every year. I will play video games again one day on my own big screen with surround sound. I will see my films in the cinema, my books in the store. I will travel and I will have wonderful views from all my homes. There's more. It gets quite specific in fact. The details in the dreams aren't likely beneficial for you, my nonexistent reader, and less so for me since I'm sure given the chance anyone can site an endless list of what appeals to them. These first entries came to mind first and so I'll deal with them. In order to do the things that require mastery, like artistry, dance, writing, speaking different languages and building a business based on a collaborative medium, as well as staying fit, one would assume a daily routine. So how do I create one suitable while eating and maintaining some social and hygienic responsibilities and protect myself from being led astray? Planning, the original intent of this post, isn't working.

Self-discovery

Modesty dictates we humiliate ourselves. The nature of the humble man is to admit his faults and decline recognition of his strengths. To do anything else is liable to invite criticism. We fear that. We like our eligibility, we enjoy the benefits of a well-regarded ego. Science has taught us the ego is not acting alone. Before I continue I should say that what's brought be to this discussion is a lack of opportunity. I'm trying to give up one obsession and replace it with another one which has been greatly neglected. The formation of ideas, philosophizing, communicating and eventually using the influence of developed thought to enhance the world through story or conversation of some other means. But the premise, yes? No jobs. I'm suited for very little. My copy-writing is verbose and frankly I don't enjoy it for products I don't believe in and I doubt myself for products I might believe in because marketing is an industry of bullshit. You make buying decisions on analysis that means very little. You sell yourself, your own conviction to people that are too scared to take any responsibility for themselves. Ultimately what is of value is access to TV/Radio and Web. Something catchy, some well received art and smart wording and the right connections and you can sell almost any concept. I'm presuming. I have no direct experience but a track record of success isn't based on any quantifiable outcome because each deal may have been bullshit that came out of the last pile of bullshit being bought. It's simply people that understand how to manipulate public thinking with the presumption of being right. I think the public itself is too wild a beast to be predicted but if you only provide them with certain choices you only have to be as attractive as the other guy to get a share of public access. I digress. I analyze too much for that work and I think it's shifty. Can't get into hospitality cause it's got a fence and I don't know anyone on the inside. I have no admin experience, most offices prefer women and apprenticeship is a lost mechanism. I can't apply to full-time positions because of school and frankly there are no more leaders in the corporate world. Just over privileged bosses that are petty or indifferent, really human beings with a dose of authority that results in capable, hard-working folks supervised by fearful, self-important, morons. The greater the authority the greater the servant you are, both to your company AND your subordinates. They respond because you lead them. They curse you and hate you if you treat them like slaves. But it's better, from the company standpoint, to limit dissent with tyrannical behavior. The more difficult and irrational a supervisor is, the better chance they have at receiving a promotion. I'm ranting now. This was about self-discovery. I'm mad. I've discovered that. I will discover a few more things before the day is through and many of these things I'll forget. I suppose under the right range of influences I could be anything. And here's the kicker, the choice to pursue the development of certain discovered aspects is as much a part of who you are and can be as is what you discover in the first place. You are allowed not simply to take the good with the bad, although that certainly is a start, but also to become attracted to your own best attributes and to exercise them as a muscle. Leadership doesn't only come from taking responsibility for your faults, but also taking responsibility for your strengths. Imagine a romantic relationship where you never sought forgiveness for your insecurities because you understood the truth and chose to work beyond it. Imagine the way your parents would look at you if you simply embraced your destiny and let them know you were going to be OK. I'm jobless today because of the economy and because face-to-face interviews have been replaced with digital walls that only benefit understaffed HR departments who will probably hire the bosses asshole nephew anyway. But I can think and I am physically capable. I can work even if no work is given to me. I can be my own industry if I choose to be. Realizing this is a strength in itself. There was never anything to lose because nothing belongs to you, not even time which is ever flowing. The only thing that will attract the right things to you is accepting your greatest self and letting others know that you know things will happen exactly as they should. As long as you uphold your end, you're doing all you can and it is better to live with that pride than to fuss over the inequity of your environment.... Damn. Well we all need an outlet.