Senselessness

A couple of days a go I began a journal on production experience and related internships. At the moment I've recorded my experience working on the one indie set and thought about providing a prologue to my internship which starts later today and will be active 2-3 days per week, giving me some key experience into sales and distribution. I'm happy to be doing something but that sense of momentum and accomplishments seems only to journey with a page count of written words. More often than not I can't enjoy anything unless that effort has been manifested and I probably hesitate from updating this blog to save myself the guilt of admitting I haven't made much headway.

But holding oneself accountable means having to face these truths doesn't it. It shouldn't mean the end. Just a series of hurtful reality checks that prove the perception is not the reality and there is still a lot of work to be done. It's easier living honest, even if that honesty means anticipating another month without much to show for it, I can attempt to challenge that future with every moment I enter. It's just tough living it from the inside. And so I'm putting these things on paper so I can see it from the outside, so I can have perspective and maybe its not so senseless to write honestly about the marginal moves. Every little bit counts. Were I to have no sense of direction, knowing at least that would be a start.

Could it be?

No dice on the affirmation. I haven't even written them yet. I stay up late and wake up late. Now that I'm up I think I'll do that, write them I mean.

Other news: NASM cert and study material are $600. Technician's bundle with Testout is $1000. I can probably make some side money writing shorts and (if I ever get out there) bar-tending. So I have some, I think, reachable goals.

I'd like to take a minute to reflect on my PA work this past Saturday. It's the 2nd experience I've had working for a story . . .

I don't know enough about this feeling to explain it. I didn't do all that much. We were out there all day from 7am to about 8:30pm. I helped move things, I held a light reflector, secured a dolly from the building and kept people at bay during camera roll. I ate with the actors and bugged sound and makeup a little. I got to watch shots on a monitor as the actors worked. I brought up fruit and water. I also brought shoes and my feet hurt but we were on the roof and I caught a view that was wonderful.

I was being fulfilled and I wasn't even directing.

People can make the most or the least of experiences but some of us are attuned to things and we don't really appreciate what that means because life is a lot about compromise. I didn't get payed and I can't always go this route. But while I can, I will. I won't comrpomise, not even for extra cash. I know where I belong, and it's creating something and sharing it.

But I want to withhold this opportunity and it's up to me to protect it. I need to make money in order to get those two certs so I can begin building small side business that keep me flexible. And before using up money and leaving myself without anything I need a savings, and before I get a savings going I have one last immediate debt to payoff to some family. While doing this I need to stay writing and working out. I suppose I have my goals in place. It's nice to not be working and have something to do.

Book ends.

The evenings are just as important, if not more important than the mornings that follow. Sleep is a major benefit but mindset is the key to setting a charge to your behavior throughout the day.

I woke up at 2pm today because I was stuck on a challenge map in this new game I have, and I really really really wanted to get the 3rd medal...

I'm getting more and more notices from Writer's Market about fiction competitions and I'm constantly brought back to some earlier inclinations for spoken word poetry. The work will be hard and I am considering canceling my raids this week (primarily cause I may have lost my main healer). It's time to start putting my foot down . . . on myself.

I have a theory that affirmations before sleep and when waking up might be able to help me stay mentally situated in the go-getter mentality. It's just another example of replacing old habits or actions with new ones, this way there are no vacuums.

What villainy will sponser...

I am lazy, easy to find comfort in routine, sleepy while writing, prone to take breaks to let myself be pulled away by people who have no idea what they're interrupting, unaware and partly doubtful of my full potential, extremely aware of time passing, analytical to a fault (impending action is analyzed), self-conciliatory, confident of how hard things can be, an isolationist, stubborn, regretful, guilty, comforted by the consistent warmth of lodging/provision of food/and general, but not actual, availability of family and friends.

I am not where I want to be in life because I am currently not the person that would deserve, survive, or make the best of, that position.

Who would?

I am stubbornly resolute, momentarily reactive, the vortex of my desires (spinning all relevant resources toward my epicenter for consumption), a subject of proven capability and flexibility, professional, direct, always accomplishing-displaying-inspiring-accomplishing more, in control of my time and emotion, my actions and ruling thoughts, able to deny all generous intent for the distraction it provides, single-minded, positive, prepared and gravitational.

As it is, write now I'm falling asleep. However (in the spirit of shorter posts), I think that every day, especially free days, require the development of an extra sense for opportunity relevant to one's desire. If it's to be more healthy then picking up bananas, almonds, whole grain bread and natural peanut butter is probably a better investment than going to a fast food joint to satiate the craving. Likewise, personal therapy like this blog is better than playing a video game. Writing part of chapter instead of giving in to the "I'll do it later mentality," is the closest I have come to progress today. It was only about a page and a half, but I got through it. It's nice to try the muscle but until it's an everyday thing, that whole "proven capability" quality won't even be an estimation.

So here's to beginnings: Cheers.

Passion

My last blog ended on an idealistic note; pacing the impulse of ambition and finding a much more dependable rhythm then the mood swings that accompany high expectation.

To clarify I'll use personal examples: I inspire a friend to draw and he in turn inspires me to write. We have the intention for helping each other out but the time between emails gets longer and longer. We don't speak on it because it is a mutual shame. I make promises to myself to explode with new material so he knows I didn't let him down but I give in to distractions whenever its time to work.

At this point I have to ask myself if I truly have a passion for storytelling or I just like the idea of it so much I refuse to look elsewhere. Meanwhile, my eyes alone are attempting to will the work through the rest of my body and no one is built that way.

Eventually what it comes down to is accountability, self awareness, self improvement, and self motivation. These qualities are gonna be over-represented thematically throughout my blogs. I'm no Doctor of physiology or psychology. I'm not a practiced spiritualist, historian, or theologian. I'm an unemployed undergrad with no real guidance save the tug deep down that says I've got to be my own man and I've got something to leave behind. My point here is to say that my story isn't climactic at the moment. Nor does my background give me any legitimate authority to say one action or perception is right over another. I try to use common (and sometimes uncommon) logic to provide an emotional assurance for myself that will hopefully get me to move forward on opportunities when obvious benefit does not. It's through that personal trial that I will attempt to extract and share my reasoning and experiences.

Ultimately I wish to combat a specific moment that some men seem to share. Entering my twenties, I was vital . . . well to a degree. I exercised. I wrote more. I felt more. I had more dates. I was keenly aware of my youth and my rising power (in terms of potential) to do anything I chose. Habits born from the ego disguise themselves through one's own justifications. I had been falling into detrimental habits (specifically toward my aspirations) for years without feeling the threat.


I think one of the benefits of becoming a writer or film maker is that I control my schedule or move more at a pace set with my own excitement or the strength of my imagination. I have ideas and want to get them out there. Doing it feel right. Having my time controlled by some company that leeches the spine right out of me makes me anxious, confused and resentful. My first order of business is to pursue my own happiness. There's a BIG however, however.

Alongside my desire is a companion in complacency. It looks like when I got used to envisioning an ideal future and consequently letting it go, I was, in a way, training myself to give up. I've heard stories of men shutting down. They come home and watch TV without interest. They go inward from their families and trust no one with their thoughts. They settle for the necessities and make the best of their time pretending there isn't a world outside the walls. Just a function to perform in order to maintain food, water and shelter and a collection of distractions.

I'm a victim of this. I've written long enough that I won't go into the details now but there is still part of me that holds onto the idea there is not one good dream worth letting go. So how does a guy like me, with years of inactivity (relevant to my dream) turn things around. Firstly, it's important to institute a firm confidence in oneself. I've got to limit my doubts, unlearn resignation, and most importantly, get uncomfortable (challenge my restraints).

I can only accomplish this with specifics so my next step is to list what these restraints are and then construct ways to break through.

My First Blog

Being young and unemployed is frustrating. It's not frustrating because I'm broke or anything. It's the social pressure and not being able to identify myself as a functional part of an institution that compensates me with an element of integrity.

Here goes the paradox: the integrity comes from alleviating the social pressure and most jobs remain a loathed obstruction to happiness, yet somehow result in stabilization, which also affords peace of mind, even though the social pressure never fades. It's just mitigated.

If I operated under my own volition, the obvious choice would be to continue doing so. Pressures and obligations to follow along in set paths for the promises no longer considered viable today ("careers afford retirement") exploit a fear that trumps the logic that times have changed. Self-employment or business ownership is the new stabilizer(or more specifically accountability, ie. savings, networking, diversifying and property rights). So I'm going to pretend that evolving is a positive thing and put some faith into the notion.

Moving forward: I've always wanted to be a fiction writer, and a screen-writer and eventually a director; a fairly popular one too (or at least popular enough to have some disposable income so I can comfortably take care of a family). So there you have it: premise (broke), antagonist (more jobs), protagonist(dream of compensated creativity).

And how does a young man begin: by challenging his affection for time consuming, linear, self-perpetuating objectives that are always within reach; VIDEO GAMES. I want to point out that part of my appreciation is shared with a similar regard for film. I'm no trivia junky, I just like the feeling of being swept away from personal circumstance to witness a self-contained drama concluded to my benefit and those of the immediate community. Popcorn in the teeth, sour patch kids in the gums, cherry-coke, cold theaters and my eyes can't leave the screen and often I share this experience with a couple hundred others. No discomfort. It's a show and its filtering through us all.

When I watch behind-the-scenes footage, I tend to tear up.

What would make a small army of technicians and artists work 20 hours a day in crazy weather all over the world for 2-3 years just to entertain a crowd for 2 hours? Money? Yeah but you can make money and stabilize yourself with a city job. Really, we're talking about something beyond the fundamentals, aren't we?

In the 2nd season of The Office, there's an episode where two of the male leads share a look with each other over that feeling of intense displacement when in such close proximity to a romance that remains, painfully, out of reach. I know that feeling. I was young and it tore me up pretty good but years later I found, as my desires matured a little, that you could have that for a position in life too; that you could fall in love with the idea of doing something or being someone and this love graduates and intensifies as you start to recognize all of the challenges in your way. There's no antidote for it, and it never goes in reverse.

For those of us that are a little reserved, we have to get comfortable with the idea of passion. It can come out jerky if you're not used to it and maybe scare people off. You can spend all your energy one day and end up exhausted by the effort. It isn't till you hit that slow burn that life jumps into that juxtaposition of relevance and irrelevance, and you finally start making decisions for yourself because you can't deny it anymore.

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Current reads:
Visual Storytelling: The Art and Technique by Tony C. Caputo
The ABC's of Writing Winning Business Plans by Garrett Sutton, Esq.